[0:03] Welcome to a brand new episode of the Yoga Girl podcast, Conversations from the Heart. Hi [laughs]. How are you doing? I hope you’re having a, hope you’re having a good day, I hope you’ve have a good week, I’ve had a wild one. I’m recording this on a Thursday, this show comes out tomorrow, and today, and of course when this show is out, we’re going to be all in that big energy; we have a full moon in Aries right now, which is really intense, and big, and bold, and brave, and spontaneous, and fiery. So if you’ve had a hard time sleeping over the past couple of days, just blame the full moon.
[0:41] I had a, [laughs] had a super crazy night last night, so I don’t know if I’ve shared this on he podcast so much, I think a little bit on social maybe, but Dennis and I, we have a bunch of foster dogs right now [laughs] so we have our three dogs, we have Ringo, Quila and Laika, who are like, those are our dogs. And we used to foster animals all the time, constantly; we almost always had a foster puppy, a foster dog, oftentimes we had a foster mom with a litter of puppies, we had years and years of just constantly having animals kind of in their halfway point on their way to their forever home here.
[1:19] And then we stopped. And I can’t remember that exact moment where we decided, I’m pretty sure we decided both of us, just like, “this is enough, we’re not going to do this anymore,” and we started traveling a lot, and now we have two foster dogs at the house, dogs that were harmed or poisoned in our, in our neighborhood that we took in, and, and it took about five minutes [laughs] of these boys — so it’s Sammy and Asher, they’re two big boys, super rowdy, really fun, really cuddly, really amazing — but it took five minutes of having five dogs in the house for me to remember like, “oh, this is why we stopped fostering animals.”
[2:00] Our oldest, Laika, so she’s, she’s twelve, which in stray dog years isn’t super old, like I really think she’s going to outlive all of us, but she’s kind of old, like she’s getting up there. And she doesn’t like change, she doesn’t really like other dogs, she definitely doesn’t like other dogs in her space, and especially not two rowdy boys who like, you know, run through the house, banging into walls, eating our shoes…I mean it’s really, really intense.
[2:30] So we had a couple of weeks of just madness trying to manage these dogs, you know, walking more dogs than we have hands to hold for leashes, with Lea, of course, like thrown in the mix. And then got to a place where I just needed a little more space, like I started sleeping really bad, really poorly. We had five dogs at night in bed, and two of them would just like, they would just pace, and go up and down, and then fall asleep, and then one would try to lie down on top of another one in one of the dog beds, and then they would snap, and then, just like, it was just not quiet, you know?
[3:04] And my dear husband sleeps through, he would sleep through a hurricane. Like I don’t know if I’ve told this story on the podcast once, we were once on a plane that, I swear to God, this plane was like, going down. It was one of those turbulence experiences on a plane — if you’ve ever been on a plane that has really violent turbulence, and I’m sure many of you guys have, you, you know what I mean, the kind of fear where it’s just like…[sighs] it was like my worst flight experience of all time. All the stewardesses strapped down, you know, the pilot is totally silent, there were people vomiting on the plane, there were people screaming, there was luggage falling out of the overhead bins, I mean the worst kind of turbulence you can imagine, and it was in the middle of the night.
[3:46] And, you know, like, I, I got to a point where I was like, “we’re going to die. This is it, the plane is going down.” And Dennis was asleep. [Laughs] Literally, full on asleep. I had to wake the man up in the middle fo that turbulence and yell at him, and I remember what I said, I was like, “we are dying and you’re missing it.” Like, that would be Dennis, like we would go down in flames and he wouldn’t even wake up, you know? He would just be asleep for all of it.
[4:16] So, at night when we have all of this stuff going on with the dogs, like he doesn’t even know that the dogs wake up, and that there’s like stuff happening, and that they’re wild and all this stuff, but I have been awake all night, you know, for so long. So I got to the point where I was like, “hey,” — we have a date now for Asher, one of these fosters, to leave, he’s going to Philadelphia to this beautiful family, Dennis doesn’t want him to leave, he’s so in love with this dog, I’m really excited that he’s leaving just so we can have a little more peace. But he’s going, and I was like, “you know what? I’m going to sleep in the guest room with the girls, and then you stay in our bedroom with the boys, and that’s how we’re going to do it until, until Asher leaves.”
[4:54] [Laughs] Which, like Dennis and I, we’ve never slept in, in separate bedrooms, you know, we’ve never, yeah, it’s just, it just for me was like a radical thing to do. And then I had one night sleeping the guest room with, with the girls, with Quila and Laika and Ringo — Ringo’s like part of the girls, girls group — sleeping all through the night, like totally happy, everything wonderful, and I’ve had three amazing nights of sleep that I’m just, I’m just, I’m like “why, why didn’t I do this before?”
[5:24] Now we have, we have three more days before Asher leaves, so I think I’m going to hang out up here in my little, in my little, like, nook, like it’s been this weird thing. Like at the end of the night, Dennis will come up with me and we’ll like spoon for a moment, and cuddle, and then he like tucks me in, and then says “buh-bye,” [laughs] and then ho goes downstairs, like what the fuck, how did we, how did that, how did we end up here? I don’t know.
[5:47] But so last night, and then here’s me, like I’m at the top of the house, in this quiet place with the, with the quiet dogs and everything is, you know, I’m the one who has the good end of the stick, supposedly. And then we had this huge thunderstorm come through last night, which is really rare for where we live, and Quila, one of our dogs, she’s so terrified of thunder. Like thunder, lightning, fireworks, you know, New Year’s Eve is like the worst night of the year for her, she’s terrified. So she was up the entire night, shaking, panting, freaking out.
[6:21] She does this thing where like, when she gets scared, she tries to crawl on top of my head, I don’t what it is about my head that she thinks is like the [laughing] safest space, and she’s a pretty big, like heavy girl. I gave her CBD, that normally really helps calm her down, didn’t work. I was Googling in the middle of the night, this was like two in the morning, I was Googling like, “how,” because she was freaking out so bad. We have these thunder shirts we use sometimes for the dogs, I couldn’t find it. I was like wrapping her in, in, in the sheets, holding her, cuddling her, I tried bringing her into the bathroom to sit there and close the door, and like find a safer space for her, nothing worked.
[6:58] And then [laughing] at the end of it when I was Googling like, “how to clam down, you know a panicked dog in the middle of a thunderstorm,” I found this Spotify playlist called “Calming Dog Music.” [Laughs] I don’t know what kind of a person sat down and like, curated this playlist, but it’s amazing, like it’s, it’s amazing. So it’s, it’s really kind of like happy-go-lucky, like quirky, weird…it’s like someone sat down and thought like, “if I was a dog, you know, what kind of music would I really enjoy?” Like it’s weird as fuck. If you’re on Spotify, you have to look this playlist up because it’s really hilarious.
[7:40] So I was like, two to four thirty, almost five o’clock, listening to this weirdass [laughing] playlist, cradling my, like 100 pound dog, you know, sitting in bed, like just all, all, all, all night. Finally, you know, the thunder went away and I got like an hour of sleep, and then I come downstairs and I was wondering like, “I wonder how the boys did, you know, downstairs with this thunder? Maybe it was a whole thing,” and they are all like dead asleep. No one has even woken up. I had to wake him up at like 7:30 like, “hey, I’m taking Lea to school, bye!” [Laughing] Like, isn’t this…I don’t know why I find all this so funny but it’s like, I don’t know, the dynamic of relationships, you guys, it’s a, [laughing] it’s an interesting thing.
[8:30] So, if anyone listening really wants a dog, side note, we have one foster dog left, so I probably didn’t do a good job of selling him just now, or like promoting him, but so his name is Sammy, he’s an adult, we don’t know exactly how old he is, he’s so sweet. The most annoying thing about him is his like, overwhelmingly intense need for comfort constantly. He’s just a big lover, you know? He never had, you can tell, like he never lived in a house, he never lived inside, he never had a family, he never had security. Still, every single time I open the door, he like pauses at the doorstep and looks at me like, “are you sure I’m allowed in here?” You know, and he’s been with us for over a month.
[9:13] He has a broken rib that like protrudes almost through his skin, because I think he’s been really kicked around and beaten, and his, he has a tail that’s been weirdly torn off somehow, like I don’t know how that happened, and, you know, he’s a little weirdo. But he’s so sweet, so lovable, and I really want to find, I want to find a home for him where he can have so much attention, you know, like a, I don’t know, like if there’s like a single person out there wanting a dog to be your partner in crime, like Sammy is a ride or die kind of dog. Please email me [laughs].
[9:49] Or if you’re a family and you’re like — I don’t know how he does with cats, someone asked me that. He’s great with Lea, like amazing, but he’s never been with a cat as far as I know, so I don’t know. He does chase the lizards and stuff in the garden, which is, which is kind of hilarious. But if you feel like you’re in need of a dog, and Sammy’s like speaking to your soul, you can email me at [laughs] firstname.lastname@example.org, okay? [Laughs] That could have been a little like, in between podcast ad.
[10:19 — Commercial Break]
[11:42] But yeah, so that’s my, that’s my life right now. I would love to know how you are doing, so especially with this big full moon energy right now, with the political stuff that’s happening in the U.S., oh, my God. It’s, it’s a really weird time. Also pandemic-wise, like everything that’s kind of where we are now in terms of things settling in some places, and things getting much worse in some places. I have a, a really old friend of mine in Sweden who has a bar in Stockholm who sent me a video yesterday of his, his bar and restaurant like jam packed full of people, packed, packed packed, like a regular, normal, busy night, you know.
[12:26] And then here in Aruba, where I am, it’s like you, the max amount of gathering that we’re allowed to have right now is four people, you cannot congregate with more than four; you can’t be out after ten p.m., there’s a ten p.m. curfew every single night; if you enter a restaurant, like restaurants are open but the tables are totally spaced out, you know; there’s a max amount that you can actually have in every single space, everyone’s wearing masks, everyone’s you know, as I’m sure it’s like in, you know, most places where you are at right now.
[12:55] And then I saw that video from Sweden and I was like, “oh, my God,” like, “who knows what the right thing is,” you know? I think that’s one of the fascinating things right now is that, is that nobody really knows anything, you know? Think about where we were in March compared to right now, like who did the right things, who did the wrong things? Does all this stuff that we’re trying to do, does it work, does it not work? Is this virus just going to continue the way it is regardless of what we do, you know? Is it like a flu? I don’t know, I saw these new numbers come out and, and obviously I don’t know what’s truth, you know, but I see it shared like widely across social that the mortality rate is actually so, so, so low, you know, does it justify these complete shutdowns of entire countries and all of this, this loss for so many people in terms of the economy and you know, it’s a really weird time that we’re living in. Totally, totally, totally bizarre.
[13:52] [Sighs] And here right now, Aruba is still at the top of the list, I think top five in terms of most cases per capita. And I have days around here where I just forget that corona exists, because I don’t, because I haven’t left the house, or, you know. Are you having days like that where this has become just normal, and then you catch yourself and you’re like, “oh yeah, global pandemic. Oh yeah, the whole world has changed like really rapidly and intensely.” I catch myself in those moments like, “oh yeah! Yeah, right, this is, this is why.”
[14:25] Yesterday, I taught a class at the studio — you know, we have like ten people in class — and, and it’s, it’s, it’s weird. It’s, it’s, it’s really, really, really weird. So I think where we all should be leaning toward, or what we all should be leaning into right now in all of this weirdness, in all of this uncertainty, is our daily structure. And I, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long throughout this year to actually get to this place, but — or actually to, I guess to really settle into the knowing of how important that is. And when I talk about daily structure, I just, I don’t mean just, you know, the discipline of having a schedule, and doing the things you have on your To Do list everyday, but for you to anchor so deeply into your rituals of the stuff that you do every day, in the same place, at the same time, to take care of yourself. You can’t, you can’t let that stuff slide right now.
[15:26] And I, I let, I let that stuff slide. I mean you can’t of…that’s like a hard thing to say; of course we can, like we, we do what we do, right? We do what we gotta do, but me — and I shared this a bit in the last podcast, just some shifts and changes I made in my daily stuff that helped me really quickly, just noticing now when I look back over the past two months, after, after I was in the process of almost getting cancelled [laughs] — someone recommended I use that phrase, “being in the process of something almost happening” versus “it happened” — I, like I, everything went out the window for me, in terms of taking care of myself, like everything.
[16:06] Almost; I still had therapy once a week, I still have that as like a standing thing, same time, same, at the same day every week, so that’s really helpful. But in terms of everything else, everything else just went. And I think we all have, we all have different places of, of kind of reaching that limit, right? Where just things get too overwhelming, too big, too hard, too heavy, that all of a sudden, we just lose the ability to take care of ourselves in a way that we normally do. And maybe you’ve been there this year; maybe you’re there right now. Maybe you have that feeling right now where it’s just hard to get up in the morning, or where it’s really hard to do anything but lie on the couch.
[16:46] Like I felt that way for almost two months, everything else felt like effort, you know? Aside from anything Lea, Lea Luna-related. But everything else felt like effort. Like rolling out my yoga mat felt like climbing a mountain, you know? The idea of eating healthy foods, like making a salad, or a juice, or a smoothie, or, or whatever, like that felt just impossible. Going outside was like, “hell no, absolutely not,” you know, I didn’t — like Dennis did all the walks for all the dogs for two months because I, the thought of just walking the dogs was like, “no. No, no.” That was…it was really, really hard, right?
[17:22] So I kind of, I don’t know, I kind of wish that throughout those times — and I was thinking about that, because what is is, and maybe what I needed was exactly those two months of wallowing in that misery, and feeling so depressed to get to a place of like, “okay, enough,” right? But I also know the case for a lot of people is, is, is we don’t get out of that spot, right? We get stuck in that, in that place of depression, and the more time we spend on the couch, the more time we spend not going outside, the harder it is to contemplate making those changes in our lives, right? It’s like we end up in this really negative spiral.
[18:00] So I kind of wish that I had in those months — and I, I don’t even really know how to, how I would have asked for that — but that I had someone to go, “hey,” you know, kind of grab me by the hand and pull me off the couch, and get me out of the house. Which maybe I wouldn’t have been able to receive at the time, like I, I don’t know. Dennis is really, really, you know, positive and really good at getting out all the time: the man bikes like a hundred miles every Sunday, you know, and he mountain bikes every Wednesday, he goes running almost every day, he goes swimming almost every day. He thinks he’s doing an Ironman race next month; good luck with that buddy [laughs.] Like I just have a hard time imagining that, like, as a reality — it’s in the U.S. — that there’s going to be an actual Ironman race with thousands of people, like clumped together in this sweaty race, I don’t think, I don’t think it’s going to happen.
[18:54] But for, for him, for him, I hope, I hope he gets to go. But you know, he’s really good at that, and no matter what happens in his life, like he does what he does. And he will nudge me, you know, especially at that time where I didn’t want to go, like, “hey, but why don’t you like, you know, move a little bit, or let’s go to the beach, or let’s go outside, or let’s do this,” and I was just like, “no, no, no.” And I kind of wish that, I don’t know, I wish, I wish I would have gotten out of the house a little bit earlier because I know that those day-to-day things, even if they’re small, even if they’re something that you think isn’t even making a big impact on your life, they do make an impact, you know?
[19:31] That five minute walk that you take every day at some point, or if you have a dog and you walk that dog every day, even if it’s like a quick walk in the morning before you go to work or whatever you’re doing, like that makes a difference for you. And if you were all of a sudden to, to lose that time of walking your dog in the morning, that would impact you in a negative way, both mentally, emotionally, and physically. So it’s like these little mini rituals that we have as just habits, they impact and in the end make up how we feel in our whole lives.
[20:03] So, what I’m, what I’m recognizing now is just, “okay, I’m getting up at five every morning still,” I feel like I need to like pat myself on the back because I’m still doing it. The fact that I’m doing that is, is, is, is changing my entire day. And maybe that’s, that’s a big thing, I think, for a lot of people, getting up that early, like that’s a pretty big shift in my life. But okay, so something like I’m walking the dogs every day now, again, right? And it’s like a short walk we take in our own neighborhood every day, but that fact that I, that I do that, that I in the morning and the afternoon, that I have that time to like, you know, hold my kid’s hand, and look at the sky, and she collects rocks, and, you know, that I don’t leave that to Dennis, that I’m not on the couch for those minutes of the day. It makes a huge impact in how I feel about myself, and how I feel in my body, you know? Breathing that fresh air.
[20:55] And I think I got really stuck in this negative place of feeling like “none of those things are actually going to matter.” The longer time you spend without the daily rituals that make a positive impact in your life, the bigger and more daunting they’re going to feel, right? And the, and the, and then your brain is going to start tricking you into, “well actually, to make a change in your life to feel better, I’m going to have to make a massive change,” it’s like, “oh, my God, I have to start, like, you know, doing an hour of yoga every single day after not having been on my mat for three months.” Or, “I’m going to really have to like change this whole…yeah, I have to get up at five every single morning instead of getting up at eight,” or whenever you normally, you know, like big changes in that sense.
[21:38] Where actually all it takes is tiny, tiny, tiny stuff. The insignificant things that, that we don’t think about that play out and happen every day, and especially the things that happen again and again in a day, that’s what makes up how we feel. So, if you spend more time doing things that you know actually doesn’t nourish you than doing things that does fill you up, you’re going to look back at the end of each week and go, “ugh, what a hard week that was,” or, “ ugh, I feel so low,” you know?
[22:13 — Commercial Break]
[23:25] My, my therapist told me the other, the other week last week, or two weeks ago, she gave me a task to sit down and think about all the things that I do in my day, like all the things and parts of my life that are not a ten, meaning a ten is something that brings me joy. A ten is something that really fills me up, a ten is something that’s great. Like right now, for me, getting up at five, it, it’s hard, but it’s a ten, you know? Watching the sunrise every day, giving, having that space of silence, meditating, doing yoga, just getting up at five, that’s a ten for me.
[24:00] Something that isn’t a ten, you know, something that’s maybe like a five: scrolling on Instagram. You know, getting stuck on my phone, doing something that isn’t good for me, like yeah, no, that’s not a ten. And her, her homework for me was to identify the things that aren’t a ten, and then contemplating eliminating them from my life. And I was like, “but hey,” you know, “we can’t walk around living a ten all the time,” like that was my initial response, like, “what? This is crazy, like we know we’re all going to have to do hard things, we all have to go through, you know, stuff that we don’t want to go through, we all have tasks that aren’t fun and you know, we’re human beings with responsibilities, not everything can be a ten.”
[24:41] And she was like, “why not?” [Laughs] And I’m like, “well, because that’s not what life is,” and she says, “well, that’s how you feel about life, right? Like life is something pretty hard, life is something that, that has to be survived, you know? Life is full of hardship, and obstacles, and death, and betrayal and abandonment, like that’s how you feel about life, so yeah, of course you’re going to have parts of your life that are fives, or threes. And this idea that life is this kind of struggle that you, that you go through, but doesn’t have to be that way.”
[25:14] And even things the that are challenging to get through, like getting up at five. Like the moment in the morning when I wake up and it’s like my bed is warm and cozy, and I could just roll over like, “no, I can sleep two whole more hours before my kid wakes up,” on a good day [laughs] “like why would I get up right now?” Like that doesn’t feel like a ten, right? But it is a ten. Including things that are really hard that are stepping stones on the way to something that you know is really fulfilling and nourishing, right? Maybe you’re studying for a degree in a field that you’re super passionate about, not every moment of that process is going to feel like a ten, but if you’re truly passionate and it’s what you’re meant to do, and you feel that, it is a ten, right?
[25:55] And that’s the approach that I’m, that I’m contemplating a little bit now: what parts of my life maybe I can do with a nine, you know, I have a nine over here. Maybe this part is not my favorite thing to do. Like I had a meeting with our attorneys this morning, like that’s definitely not a ten, but it’s part of this, part of, part of our business, part of stuff that has to, that has to happen for us to be able to operate across so many different countries, for instance. It’s like, “yeah, that’s not a ten, but it’s something that adds to a ten, which is this business that I love,” right? Being an entrepreneur that I love building all of these things that I love. So yeah, you know, it feels like a six sitting there, talking to, talking to, talking to lawyers, but it’s part of the ten.
[26:40] So what are some things in your life that aren’t tens? Or maybe even to get there first, we have to identify “what feels like a ten?” Cause what if you look around your life and you don’t have any tens, at all? What if you look around your life and everything is a five or a six, whoa, what then, right? Then maybe there is an actual big, big shift that we need to make.
[27:02] Chances are that you know what your ten is, and maybe if you’re like me, the ten is like a reward of some sort, right? The ten is something that you do after you’ve gotten all the other stuff squared away, like that’s how I used to look at life, is like a ten for me is tending to the garden. A ten for me is total quiet, peaceful time spent with my kid. A ten for me is moving my body, it’s doing yoga. A ten for me is, you know, I have all these things that feel like tens, but they don’t make up my whole life, right? And then for a lot of years, I spent so much time immersed in fives and sixes, things that just felt like a drag, things that didn’t fill me up, things that were really hard to get to, but I had this idea that “this is stuff I have to do because it’s who I am,” you know, “I have to, I have to be in these relationships, and I have to take care of these people, because that’s my job, it’s my role to serve in this way,” you know?
[27:58] So how many relationships do you have in your life that feel like slam dunks? Like a ten is slam dunk, you know, the relationship that’s just effortless, that’s easy, doesn’t bring you anxiety, doesn’t steal your energy, like what’s that ten relationship in your life? And when I think about that in my own life, like the friendship relationships that I have that are tens, super few of those. Like I can count them on one hand. I think I have five friends, maybe…yeah, five or six friends that “yeah, this is a ten in my life, where I really feel totally secure in this relationship, where I can pick up the phone at any time and give them a call, they can call me at any time, there’s never any weirdness, we’re there for each other, we trust each other, we enjoy each other’s company, it’s just the slam dunk kind of friendship.”
[28:44] And then I look at the other, you know, twenty friendships that I have that are, you know, weekly stuff, or people I speak to at some point every month, you know, that are like a seven or an eight, or don’t feel so good all the time, or there’s something in the way there. Maybe there’s a relationship where I feel like I carry a really heavy load, or there’s, it’s a one-sided relationship, you know? “I’m not getting as much out of this friendship like the other person is.” Why am I still there? That’s the question: why do we waste our time with relationships that aren’t slam dunks, just because “well, at some point, we used to be better friends, or yeah, this is part of my family, it’s like I have to keep them there because it’s family.”
[29:27] How much do we sacrifice because of this idea of family? I’m really, I think right now, because we are in this place of total uncertainty, everything is up in the air. Why not use this as a time to question those things that actually don’t feel like slam dunks? If it’s the daily habits and rituals and practices that you have in your life; if something is there that steals your energy, that steals your peace, that steals your health — oh, my God, the health part is a huge part — now is a really good time to start working those things out of your life. And the things you know you can identify as slam dunk habits, now is the time to integrate them, right? To get really disciplined around them, to, to continue coming back to them even when it’s hard, you know?
[30:17] Perhaps you have a, a way of moving your body that you know it’s the best for you, but sometimes getting to it, it’s the hardest thing, you know? It’s like I [laughs] I have this love, love-hate relationship with running, and putting on my running shoes, like getting out the door, is the hardest, hardest part. The first minutes of that run, it’s like, “oh, my God,” and then at the end of it, this thing I felt was like a drag actually was a slam dunk practice because of how I feel afterwords, how it makes me feel when that practice is done.
[30:51] So how can I do more of that? That thing that fills me up, whether it’s meditation, or movement, or dance, or something creative; like make more space for the tens in your life, and then start eliminating the things that don’t make sense any more. Because right now, if you are not anchored into the things that fill you up, I don’t know [sighs] from a personal place, if I wasn’t doing these things now, I don’t know how I would make it through the end of this year.
[31:22] I, I don’t know what that means, “not making it through the year,” like, like I’ll be alive, I’ll be here, but making it through the year in the sense of feeling like one whole person, you know? Actually feeling like, like I enjoy my life, even when things are hard, even when hard things keep happening, because it’s not like everything is fine now — actually, in the past week, Dennis and I, we had like, three pieces of bizarre news [laughs] come our way, just something that, something hard, something weird, like adding to the weirdness of this week.
[31:56] And I feel fine about that, which I think if I, if I wasn’t, if I wasn’t doing my practice, right? If I wasn’t sitting in silence right now, if I wasn’t super serious about my health — I’m not talking just physical health, mental health, emotional health, so important, most important — I probably wouldn’t be okay. I would be spinning about this stuff that has come our way. And every time we get a hard piece of news, it’s like, “oh, my God, another thing to add to this mountain of shit of this year.” And instead it’s like, “okay,” you know, “I can, I can allow this to be what it is, I can trust that we’re going to figure it out the way we figure all our stuff out in the end,” you know? Even the things that felt unfigureoutable, at the end of the day, we figured them out, we moved on.
[32:45] So how about this as a full moon practice [laughs]. I love this, actually. For Aries — I don’t know if you can tell, I had no plan for this podcast today, just kind of sharing where I am and what’s, what’s going through my mind right now — but how about this as a full moon practice today, or a practice you can do at any time, but I think it’s really good right now with a full moon in Aries. Full moon in Aries is a great time to take action, right? So if you’ve been obsessing about this thing that you want to do, or something you want to quit, or a new habit you want to anchor into, a new goal you want to fulfill, you know, a new project you want to embark on, like this is go time. Like full moon in Aries is really go time: it’s fire, it’s “let do this.”
[33:26] So, how about right now, you take a moment this evening, if you can go sit outside under the light of the full moon, so even if you’re listening to this on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, we are in this full moon energy for a couple of days, it’s a really good time to sit down and then really distinguish between what are the practices that I have in my life, the people that I have in my life, the places, the things, that are tens, right? And what am I willing to live with right now? Can I live with an eight or a nine, well what about a four or a five? And what are the things that I’m ready to eliminate, to walk away from? Or at least spend less energy feeding.
[34:07] And this is a really important thing that I’ve realized lately, that if I, if I, if I, if I kind of come to terms with, “okay, this is not serving me anymore,” right? If it’s a relationship or whatever it is, “I don’t have to blow it up into a million pieces.” [Laughs] That’s how I used to think about something. Like if I decided “I don’t like this anymore, I’m done with this person now, I’m done with this practice, I don’t have to announce it to the whole world.” If it’s a relationship that isn’t serving me, I don’t have to tell that person that “hey, this is over, you’re the worst, goodbye forever,” you know?
[34:43] I can simply cease feeding that thing that isn’t of use to me, right? So if that’s the case, I can stop bringing so much attention to the thing that isn’t working in my life. I can stop obsessing about it, I can stop talking about it, thinking about it, doing the thing, right? Or if it’s a relationship, I can put more energy into the relationships that are tense, because of course it is me feeding those relationships that don’t do me good, right? And I can also draw a line in the sound, set a boundary, communicate how I feel, like I can do all those things, but I don’t have to, I don’t have to create drama with that realization of the fact that I’m done with something.
[35:24] And I think a lot of us, we think it’s that all-or-nothing thing, you know, if I decided, “I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want this relationship, I don’t want this practice,” that it’s like we have to, you know, sweeping statement [laughs] like “here is it,” and that feels really daunting, and it maybe feels confrontational, and it maybe even feels final. And right now, you don’t have to make any final decisions about anything; you can go with what you feel, and then choose how you redirect your energy, and that’s it, you know?
[35:55] It’s like if you start feeding the relationships that feel like slam dunks, automatically some of the energy you normally spend on the relationships that aren’t slam dunk, that’s going to just be redirected. So the relationships that are great, they might blossom, you know? You might find a new level of intimacy and vulnerability there. And you might just realize that that relationship that felt like a burden, like a challenge, that it just falls away, you know, without any drama, without any pain.
[36:21] It’s rare for us, I think, to be in relationships, whether it’s friends, family, romantic, that are slam dunk to one person, and a four or a five to the other, you know? I, I don’t think that’s possible; I think if you are in a relationship that isn’t really working, that’s going to be felt on both levels. So your, your energy is really really fucking precious. Why are you spending it in areas that doesn’t serve you, you know? That’s a really good question. Like let this full moon illuminate all the things that you have going on in your life right now that actually don’t make any sense.
[37:00] [Laughs] And I’m laughing now because it’s like, I have spent so much time doing so much stuff that doesn’t make sense to me [laughing] you know? And I did that because I didn’t know that it didn’t make sense, right? So that’s the blessing of 2020 is we are faced with all the shit that doesn’t work, right? The things that were under the surface forever, kind of like, it’s like we’ve slapped BandAid after BandAid on top of an infected wound, and there is like, pus coming out of there, and it hurts, and it’s throbbing, and it’s obvious that it’s not working.
[37:40] But we just put another BandAid on and we just look the other way; like we’ve done that with so much in our society, we’ve done that with so much in our personal lives, trying to avoid confrontation. Trying to remain in this place of sort of false comfort, you know? It’s like as a society, living with all of these racist structures and systems in our day-to-day lives. And then sort of thinking that this is all, this is all just what it is, right? It’s like we just accept it. No, you know? There’s going to be a deep, deep, deep level of discord inside each of us, whenever there’s any kind of injustice for any part of our society, all of us as a whole are going to experience that.
[38:24] And even the people benefitting from it. Even the people benefiting from that privilege on the opposite end of the spectrum are going to have a loss connected to that. We’ve all just been in this false, false place of, “stuff is fine,” you know, when it’s not. And I think right now, if you are, just like me, experiencing an unbelievable amount of discord, of discomfort, of loss, of things falling away, of confrontation, of weird shit, you know, that is a good thing. I genuinely think that that means that, it means you are getting with the program, it means that energetically, you are aligning with change, you’re stepping up to this next level of frequency right now. And it’s part of evolving, all of us, together.
[39:12] And, especially if you’re a White person, especially if you’ve been benefitting from, from this kind of privilege for a long time, and things are being shook up, that it, it, it comes with that, right? I don’t think we can actually make any change for anybody anywhere, sitting in our comfortable little box just, just, just hanging out there. If this year had been easy for you, I don’t think you’re going to have the rewards of the kind of growth that is hopefully available to, to, to the rest of us.
[39:14] And it’s hard to remember when we’re in the midst of the storm, right? That, “hey, Universe is throwing me around right now because I’m ready for that,” right? And anyone who’s, who’s, who’s kind of lulled to sleep right now, or, or everything is still fine, and anyone who isn’t like, basically turning on the news wanting to rip their hair out right now, [laughs] like if that’s you, I don’t know if anyone, anyone out there is like, “everything is wonderful,” but wanting to rip your hair our right now looking at the news, like that makes sense, right? That makes you normal; that means you have a big heart that beats for other people, for justice, it means that you want to make a change, you want to be part of change.
[40:22] And to be part of change on a human, global level, you are also going to experience change on that personal, individual level as well. So it’s kind of like shaking off all the dust right now so that you can see clearly of like, “oh, my God, I spend all of this time feeding energy into and area of my life that I don’t want to spend time immersed in, right? Maybe you’re killing yourself working your butt off in a field that doesn’t nourish you, right? Or for a career that doesn’t make sense to you anymore. Or for something that doesn’t fulfill your soul, you know? Maybe with this feeling of like, “I don’t know why I’m here anymore.”
[41:00] Could be just an opportunity to pause and evaluate like, “why am I here? What am I meant to be doing?” And it also, I think comes along with this beautiful realization that, “I have a lot of power. I can choose where I direct my energy.” And for me, that’s been really empowering over this past month, it’s like, “hey, when I direct my energy to getting up really early and watching the sunrise in the morning versus directing my energy to staying on the couch until one a.m. watching Netflix, like that makes a massive difference in my life,” of course it does.
[41:34] But I felt really powerless, like, “I’m so tired, how will I get off the couch. I’m so depressed, how will I get off the couch, how will I make this change, it’s going to be too hard.” And then it’s like the moment we step out of the cycle, even a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny big — like begin walking your dog again, you know — that’s enough to propel you into a different kind of energy. And it’s also telling the Universe that hey, you’re in charge, and you take this life really seriously. You get one chance at this, you know? Who knows what, what you’ll reincarnate as next life, like this your life right now; this is your body, this is your heart, this is your precious mind, where are you spending your day, you know?
[42:15] How are you spending your time, what are you focussing on, what is it that you are here to actually create? Because you’re creating all day, every day, you know? Right now, listening to this podcast, you are in the process of creation. So let’s be super mindful of how we spend our time right now. Take care of yourself like it’s…like it’s life or death, because it is. And then take a moment throughout, you know, tonight or this weekend, to have a little ceremony where you sit outside under the night sky, you know; take a moment with the moon if you can, and really evaluate, “what are the slam dunk things, practices, people, that I have in my life that I really want to commit to that make me feel good? And how can I bring more energy into them? And then what are the things that don’t make sense anymore?”
[43:06] And sometimes, by letting those things fall away, we open up this big, big space of unknown in our lives, and that’s fucking terrifying. Which is why change is so hard, it’s like when we say goodbye to something, it feels like destruction, right? It feels like everything is falling away, we’re losing that steady ground, but that’s part of integrating the new life. It’s part of actually making space for the things that you do want. And it comes with having the courage, and I think the ability to sit with the discomfort of, “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my life,” [laughs] and letting yourself dwell there.
[43:44] If that’s what you’re feeling right now is, “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my life, I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I’m here to do, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know what next step to take,” congratulations. We’re in it together, and something fantastic is on it’s way to you right now. Something mind-blowing is integrating in your life. But to get to that next step, you have to weather the storm, you know? And give yourself that space to just accept that “right now, I don’t know. And until I know, I’m going to take that time every day to do what fills me up, you know? To get up at five, to do my yoga, to sit in silence, to spend time with my kid, to eat healthy foods, to eliminate the things that don’t make me feel good,” and just focus on that for right now. Like, right now, your job is taking care of yourself, you don’t have to know what’s next. Just trust. Just trust.
[44:45] Thank you so much. [Laughs] Thank you so much for tuning in today with me, I, I love and adore you, and you listening to this right now makes me feel less alone. I love that we’re on this journey together. We are going to share about, I think next week we are announcing, I’m going to do an at-home retreat, which I’m so excited about, with meditations, and journalling, and deep, deep, deep practices twice a day for an entire week, along with amazing recipes, and meditations, and I’m so, so excited to have more of this community integration, and to share these practices that have really changed my life.
[45:26] So, if you want to immerse yourself even more, stay on the lookout for our at-home retreat that i’m announcing super, super soon. Until then, have a really good week, have a good weekend. Enjoy this full moon, and I’ll see you next week.
[45:41 — End of Episode]