Healing Hurts - How To Take Your Spiritual Practice To The Next Level favorite_border

Conversations from the Heart - July 10th 2020

Author: Rachel Brathen

Topics: Growth, Healing, Lifestyle

Links: Apple Podcasts / Spotify

About the Episode

After everything that has occurred in 2020, there is no going back to the way things were.

We have to do better and be better to ourselves. The only way through is to listen to our inner truth and show up for ourselves in a radical way.

The world has intensified, so make sure your healing practices align along with it! Perhaps the old, comfortable practices you’ve had before no longer serve your deep longing for peace.

How do you know when it’s time to take our practice to the next level? How can we put healing into action?

In this week’s episode, Rachel shares her disciplined practice of dynamic meditation, and all the factors that led up to this new daily practice. In the midst of it now, Rachel is uncovering hidden trauma, emotions, fears – and a deep internal knowing of her own truth within. Now is the time to listen to it.

We can’t yoga our way through all of our traumas and insecurities. Sometimes it takes a radical practice to move through everything stored in our nervous system. As a collective we are going through a radical shift, and we are beginning to heal.

This episode will open your eyes and hearts to the opportunity we have for change. We have the chance to create a new world where we come back home to ourselves, listen to our deepest truths and embody our inner knowing.

Key Takeaways

  • We are in a big shift; both collectively and individually. When the world intensifies, we have to intensify our inner work, too.
  • Doing radical healing practices with disciplined intent can lead to uncovering old wounds - which begins the journey of true healing.
  • Anchor into spiritual practices that allow you to hold space for your feelings and where you can let yourself process and release.
  • If you feel like you’ve lost your footing, remember to come home to yourself and center. Slow down. Be here, now.
  • You have an inner knowing and an inner truth. You don’t have to listen to what everyone else says all the time!
  • See if you can find a daily non-negotiable self care practice, and discipline yourself to stick to it. Keep showing up for yourself, every day.



[0:01] Rachel: You are listening to the Yoga Girl podcast, Conversations from the Heart.

Lea Luna: Then [cute incoherent babbling] about the monkey [incoherent] but they know. You know what they say? [Noises]

Rachel: [Laughing] What monkeys?

Lea Luna: [Laughs] I [incoherent].

Rachel: What story are you telling? Are you telling a story?

Lea Luna: Um, the monkeys.

Rachel: Tell a story. Hey! You wanna tell the story about your birthday party?

Lea Luna: Um…hey! Look! That’s momma, that’s momma and, that’s my momma and papa!

Rachel: Are you done with the podcast?

Lea Luna: I want to speak a little more.

Rachel: Okay.

Lea Luna: [Incoherent babble] about the monkeys, you know what they say? [Noises]

Rachel: Hey! How about you tell everyone on the podcast about your favourite dinosaurs? You wanna?

Lea Luna: Hey, I know! I have an idea.

Rachel: You have an idea?

Lea Luna: I’m going to make a podcast now. Goodbye everybody!

Rachel: Thank you, very good!

Lea Luna: Now your turn!

[1:25] Rachel: Welcome to a brand new episode of the Yoga Girl podcast, Conversations from the Heart. I am so excited to sit here, to talk to you right now. I feel really grateful in this moment, here, now, and I feel like it’s been a minute since, since I was just here alone, getting the chance to share and open up with you, so welcome, welcome, welcome, and thank you for tuning in.

[1:55] It is, it is a new day, [laughs] it is a new life, it is a new world, I feel in so many ways. I think before we dive into the theme and a little bit of storytelling for this week, let’s take a moment to ground, yeah? So, wherever you are at in this moment, just giving yourself an opportunity to get comfortable. And that can mean different things on different days, right? So allowing yourself maybe to sink a little bit deeper into your seat, or take up more space wherever you are right now, or shift, or change something around your body, or your posture, just so you feel comfortable, here, now.

[2:43] And once you get there, let’s close the eyes. And with the eyes closed, we’ll take a deep, deep, full breath in through the nose [inhales], open the mouth and let it go [exhales]. And then give yourself some space, some time right now to bring all of your awareness inward, to recenter your awareness here, now. And if you like, you can do that through that avenue of the breath, just by bringing more awareness to the breath in and the breath out. When I do this I like to get so present with my breath that I can actually distinguish between the subtle changes and shifts that happen within my own body, with every breath in, and every breath out. And you might notice, just within your own breath right now, how many parts of your body are actually involved when it comes to your breathing.

[3:52] And the cool thing about the breath is that it’s automatic, right; it happens all day long, we don’t have to think about it. And it’s also voluntary, meaning you can control the breath. You can choose how to breathe: you can choose to deepen or shorten the breath. So right here, right now, noticing the quality of your breath, the way it already is in this moment. Noticing if your breath has a lot of space today, if you’re sensing any sort of restriction around your breath. Notice if the breath is long, or if it’s short, or perhaps somewhere right between. If the breath is deep or shallow. If you’re sensing any kind of tension around the breath; perhaps there’s one side of the nostrils that’s a little more restricted than the other, or sometimes a feeling of just tension, or a bit of heaviness in the body can actually make it a little more challenging to breathe deeply.

[4:55] So notice all of this. If you’re feeling spacious and open, or constricted, or tight. And whatever you’re feeling in this moment, don’t judge, yeah? There’s no such thing as good or bad, there’s just being here, right now. And whatever space you’re finding yourself in, know that it makes absolute, total sense. And this is something that I’ve been contemplating a lot lately, the fact that when the body speaks to us, and gives us signs, and talks to us in different ways, it’s never random. So if right now you’re sensing “man, it’s a little bit challenging for me to really connect with my breath today,” or, “I’m experiencing pain in my body and it’s making it harder for me to be present,” or anything else that might look as if it’s an obstacle or something that’s in the way, know that it makes absolute, total sense that this is the way you are feeling today.

[6:08] Sometimes, what it takes is a little bit more of that practice of slowing down and getting present enough with our own selves so that we can connect the dots, right, and recognize everything that happened so far today, or so far this week, or so far this year, right, the gift that keeps giving that is 2020. Everything leading up to this moment, everything aligning in the way it did so that you could sit here, the way you are in this moment, and especially on that emotional level, right? So not just the breath and the body, but in the emotional level of the heart, if you’re experiencing some kind of sadness right now, some kind of pain, experiencing loss, betrayal, abandonment, confusion, frustration, fear — fear has been a big one for all of us, I think — especially them. What would it feel like right now to just give yourself permission to feel the way you’re feeling right now?

[7:23] To let the body be the way the body is right now. And to let the breath be as well. What would that be like? Just giving yourself complete permission to settle and be the way you are with what life has brought you today. For me, I can sense just my body taking a deep breath, it’s like a relief to give myself permission to feel the way I’m already feeling, to actually get to move away from this idea that is very engrained in us that we’re supposed to be happy all the time, right? Or we’re supposed to be okay all the time, or grateful all the time. It’s a lot of pressure, and also means that we’re going to be spending a lot of time and energy not accepting each moment for what it is, or resisting different kinds of emotions when they come up, or trying to escape, or maybe numb ourselves from things that we deem bad, right? If it’s emotions, or life situations when they come up. So giving ourselves that permission to just be.

[8:38] It feels, feels really good, doesn’t it? That’s what I want this podcast to really be, just a moment, an hour, where your body can soften, where you can just listen from that place deep inside of you, where the breath can slow down a bit all on its own. So giving yourself just a few more moments here, now, and perhaps noticing that the breath is beginning to slow down. It’s pretty amazing how the natural response to us bringing our awareness to the body is that the body begins to let go, right? Any tension we’ve been accumulating in the body throughout the day just little by little begins to melt away. If there was tightness or shortness of breath, you’ll find that the body begins to automatically look for deeper breaths. And also, with that permission might come the surfacing of some sort of emotion.

[9:46] And it’s a beautiful practice stepping into that emotion, whatever it is. Holding it, processing it, and allowing it for what it is, right? Allowing it to be for what it is, without having to change, without having to shift. Just…being right here.

[10:14] So with that, let’s take a deeper breath in through the nose…[inhales]…take a moment to pause, hold the breath in for just a moment…and then open the mouth and loud and clear, let it out [exhales]. And, if you like, blinking your eyes open. Hmm.

[10:41 — Commercial Break]

[12:23] [Laughing] I feel a little weepy right now, I feel like I could, I could cry on cue [laughs]. I gotta admit, that’s kind of how I’m feeling all day every day these days, is that I can cry on cue [laughs]. I don’t need anything, you know, massive, or terrible, or hard, to come my way to, to feel my feelings out in the open, I can literally just cry on cue. Which I used to really dislike, like I used to to feel really uncomfortable with the whole idea of crying in front of other people. Crying at all, actually, was a, was one of those emotions that I was taught really early was a bad one, right? That we only cry if we’ve done something wrong, or, you know, “suck it up, what are you crying about?” You know, that kind of energy, so for me, the journey back to crying, the journey of allowing my tears when they come through, it’s been a really powerful one, I gotta say.

[13:22] So, so hi. Speaking from the heart, in this moment, I’m want to share a little bit about how I’m doing right now. [Laughs] I don’t know even where to start, honestly it’s been three weeks since I, since I sat down to record [laughing] a podcast all on my own, you know? And honestly, the past three weeks, I feel like enough has happened within me and around me that I could write, I could write another book [laughs]. Maybe my third book will be like, “The Three Weeks That Just Happened,” imagine that.

[14:01] But so, in this moment, right now, as I am, I am sitting in what I have called or deemed my sacred space, the space formerly known as our guest room, also calling it my Goddess Tower, but above everything else, it’s my sacred space. And just that fact that I have this space in my house right now is a, is a little miracle all on it’s own. I was sitting yesterday just kind of contemplating deeply the big, big things and shifts and changes that, that I have seen come my way, whether or not I wanted them, and the shifts and changes that I have made happen, right? Through practice, through grit, through resilience, through a longing for something different over the past couple of months. And a really big part of that is actually having the space that I’m sitting in, recording this in right now.

[14:56] So Dennis and I, we’ve had this house, we bought this house in 2013, September 2013; we have a picture that Facebook reminds me of sometimes of him carrying me [laughing] over the doorstep, holding a bottle of champagne the day we got the keys to this house. And it was one of those things where the house we had before this one was probably, I think, I think in our minds we thought we were three houses away from getting a house like the one we have now. It was definitely something we couldn’t afford, our past house was a one bedroom, didn’t have any guest room, there was just one single small bedroom with a bathroom in the bedroom, so we could never really have guests over, because they would have to like, go into our bedroom to go pee. And super, super, super tiny…very cute little space, but very, very tiny, and, and pretty run down.

[15:48] And then, when we decided we wanted to buy something, we wanted to invest in something, we wanted to take this next step into adulthood, you know, that feeling of buying your first house, it’s such a big deal. And we found a little house that kind of was in our price range that we thought we could swing, and went over there and it was on the, on the north coast of the island, which is such a beautiful, beautiful part of the island, it’s just…the north coast here, it’s, you know, it’s all cacti, literally. I look out the window and all I see is cactus everywhere. Big hills, big boulders, rocks, like it’s very, very arid and dry, but beautiful. And this house that, that we had found, it was like a little, kind of boxy, two storey like little house, with a little yard but it was in this part of the island that we love so much, so we decided, “okay, we’re going to go for it.”

[16:39] And put an offer in, and the realtor came back to us and said that he had just closed with someone else. So we didn’t get it. And I remember that moment, I remember us feeling like so bummed, you know. Like we really had our heart set on that place, and it was such a, such a cute little house, and like in our price range, okay. And then randomly, Dennis got a call from a friend; it was one of those like random things that happened that I realized afterwards was just this grace from God, I don’t know. A friend of his said, “hey, I saw you were at a showing, like I saw your car outside that house. I know they just sold, but we are selling our house, and it’s on the same street, or it’s just around the corner, just continue down the road, and it’s on that final road where there’s only a couple houses. And, and it has a really good view, and lot of privacy. Do you want to come check it out,” you know?

[17:33] And I remember Dennis telling me, you know, I don’t know if we should even go because I’m, I’m 100 percent certain this house, we won’t be able to swing it, like it’s going to be out of our price range.” And I said, “you know what? It feels like a sign that they saw that you were there, you know? Like let’s just go.” So we didn’t have a realtor or anything involved, we just personally went to this friend, this kind of acquaintance, not a friend, but acquaintance of Dennis’. And I remember we walked into the house, and it’s one of those houses where you walk through the front door, and take a step in, and you see the ocean, you know? So we’re not ocean front, but we have, we’re in the desert, and in the distance, we see the ocean. And just cactus all around, and it’s really breezy here, and it’s just this, yeah, this kind of one-of-a-kind feeling of being right here.

[18:16] And I remember that moment that I looked at him and I was like, “yeah, this, this is it. I don’t know what kind of mountains we have to move [laughs] but this is the house. This is the one, we’re going, we’re going to make this happen.” And at the end of the day we did, you know, magically. So for us, this house — and it’s already been, I mean that’s wild to imagine, it’s been seven years we’ve lived here. And getting this house was such a dream come true: we’d never owned a house before, neither of us. Never, you know, renovated anything in our lives, I don’t think either of us had ever held like a power tool, or painted a wall in our lives, we’re not those kinds of people.

[18:51] And we got this house, and this was 2013, so we had just started travelling like crazy, teaching yoga all across the world. We had just gotten Ringo, Ringo was like a tiny little puppy when we moved here, we had Sgt. Pepper, Quila, Laika, our other dogs. And, so we got this house, and we didn’t really do anything with it. And I was thinking about this a lot, now, just the fact how many years went of us just moving into the space, very sparsely furnished, you know, because we didn’t have a lot of money and everything we had went into the space, and then we were travelling all the time. So we didn’t really nest in a way that I can recognize now as truly nesting, right? It wasn’t until I got pregnant with Lea Luna, which was 2016, that we actually, for the first time, redecorated, or renovated a part of the house, that we actually painted, put fresh paint on the walls, that we actually looked around and went, “hey, is this really the way we want this,” and we started making some changes. I think getting pregnant, of course, comes with this need to nest, this feeling of “I want to, I want to make this space really mine.”

[20:00] So that was our, our first moment of, of shifting something. And, back then, you know, our backyard was, was, it was this kind of space where you couldn’t really even sit outside. It was just desert, really, really, really dirty, dust everywhere, like a big dirt patch in the back of the house. So we had this beautiful view, but there was no outside space to sit. And then the baby was born, and I, I immediately recognized like, “okay, this baby is a water baby.” We didn’t have a bathtub, we didn’t have a space for her to be in water, but whenever we took her to the ocean, it was like watching her whole being light up, you know? As if she’s just such a Pisces, such a fish, and our next little phase, which was I think the biggest project we ever did in our lives up to that point, was putting in a pool here, from scratch.

[20:46] And it was such a project, such a process, it took so many months, and you know, we had construction workers here I think for half a year, and it was just this really, really, really intense, intense time. But that’s it, like, that’s really it, you know? So in terms of we never landscaped, we never like looked at the house in terms of, “hey, what’s broken?” Like there’s a lot of things that have been broken, we’ve had leaks in the roof, we’ve had mould, we’ve had like a lot weird stuff. And the house on it’s own, it’s kind of weirdly put together; it’s a really old, a part of the house is old, very very old, and then the previous owners attached this whole second phase to the house, but it’s in a totally different style than the original house, it’s like [laughs] full of weird corners and nooks, and round walls everywhere, and pillars in the middle of things; it’s like…looking at this house now, very objectively, [laughing] it’s a weird house. Like it really, really is a weird house.

[21:42] And if it’s something, I think the most beautiful thing that coronavirus, and isolation, and quarantine really brought, was the ability to really ground into our home, and to really nest. And when I say nest, I mean nest like we have never nested before. And before, you know, slowing down, I didn’t have the capacity to really be still enough to even recognize the fact that I had that big, that I had that as a big need: I always thought that I’m the kind of person who just loves to travel, and go place to place, and “I’m a Sagittarius rising, so I love adventure,” and actually, that’s not all entirely true, you know? There’s a huge part of my being that just loves to be home, and feel at home.

[22:29] So when I look at this house, the way it was, you know, in March, and I look at it now, it’s a different place. [Laughing] Like, it’s a different place. Not in the sense that, that everything is changed or every room is totally different, or anything like that, but in the sense of our presence is felt in every corner of this house, for the first time. For the first time since we moved in, it’s been seven years. We don’t have any dead spaces anymore; we don’t have any rooms that are weird, or we don’t know what to do with; we don’t have any messy rooms anymore [laughs]. I feel like I have to knock on wood saying that, because I live with the messiest man in the world. We don’t have any messy rooms. We don’t have any closets, lurking, that you don’t want to open, you know, everybody has that room, right?

[23:12] And I think a lot of us have done so much, you know, purging, and reorganizing, and all of that came with having so much time at home. But when I look around the space, the whole house, I can just feel presence, and energy, and warmth everywhere. And what was so interesting about that, and what I’m getting to by sharing this story right now is at the very top of the house, there’s a weird room [laughs]. So we have a three storey house, the third storey was accidental. And this is like, a story that the previous owners, I remember them telling us. They added on this section of the house, and then accidentally when they were building, the builders made some sort of mistake, or miscalculation, and they ended up with a third floor, and ended up enclosing that with big windows, and making that into a room.

[23:59] [Laughs] So it’s like, the accidental space that wasn’t supposed to be. I always thought that was kind of weird thing, like how does that even happen? But so when we moved in, this third floor place didn’t have a floor, it was all concrete, didn’t have anything, like it was just totally barren and strange. And we just, that was the one little renovation project we had when I was pregnant, and this was the room we slept in when Lea was little, this was our bedroom. As soon as she went to crib downstairs, we changed rooms and our bedroom is now downstairs, so we have, of course, bedrooms next to each other. So then this room up on the third floor became a guest room, like that was the one…it never occurred to me, ever, for this room to be anything else, it just…we always had guests, like my mom would come stay for months at a time, my family, my siblings, we would always have friends come over, and we, we would go through cycles of having a lot of guests.

[24:48] And then we would go through cycles of having nobody, at all. But I always had this idea that, you know, as an adult, you need to have a guest room, like you need to accommodate anyone who wants to visit, they should have a space, right? So up here in the space that I call now “the Sacred Space” we had a massive, massive four-post kind bed, like a two meter by two meter, huge, handmade, big wooden bed in this space. And the bed was so big, it took up the entire room. So whenever we did have guests, you know, they had this beautiful, amazing experience of having the best bed in the house, private bathroom up here, really great view. But then over the past, you know, year or so, we haven’t had any guests [laughs]. We haven’t had any guests. We’ve had, like, once, you know, we had somebody come visit, but we haven’t really had anybody come, but I’ve had this idea that “we have to have a guest room, of course.”

[25:45] And then what this room has become is, I needed a space to record this podcast, for instance, a space to take meetings, you know, working from home. So we had this huge bed in here, and then a little corner, pressed up by the window, I had a tiny, tiny little desk, and this desk was so tiny, it was just always covered with stuff, and documents, and trying to fit my computer there. And then I had a little corner chair where I would record the podcast. And I lived that way, right, for, for a long, long, long time. And it wasn’t until middle of quarantine where I did a, I did an interior design course with a friend of mine, Kelly, and I don’t know how I came upon that either, it was like one of those things that kind of appeared as like, an amazing thing.

[26:28] And the first thing she said was like, “don’t you feel like you need your own space?” And I was like, “what do you mean, I have my own house. I’m an adult. I’m a mom, like I have my own house.” And she’s like, “no, your own space, like your own room.” And just the thought of that, the thought of having my own room, like it feels…I got shivers, like I could feel tingles going up and down my spine, like, “my own room?” She was like, “yeah, don’t you need to claim a space in your house? Because you do all your work at home, your whole business is fuelled by the work you do every day, you shouldn’t be sitting in a corner, pressed up against a window doing that, like you need space. Space to roll out your mat without anybody disturbing you, space to practice yoga, space to meditate, space that’s just yours, like to do whatever the hell you want to, that you can close the door, and it’s your space.”

[27:18] And, and I just realized right away, like, “hey, this guest room that we have, why have I spent so much time, so much space in my life, accommodated to people who aren’t even here?” So in this room, I was taking up ten percent of the room for my whole life, like all the things that actually fuel our entire lives. My whole work life, right, everything that I do that, that keeps our lives going, was happening in this tiny little ten percent corner of this weird room. And then 90 percent of the room was this massive bed, waiting for guests who never are here. And it was one of those things where I just said, “you know what, fuck it,” and I put, I took a photo of the bed, put it on the Craigslist of Aruba — it’s like a Craigslist, or e-Bay thing, version of something on Aruba — and 20 minutes later, it was like immediate, like immediate, someone came, paid me, gave me a chunk of cash, and left.

[28:13] And since then — it’s been a little while now — I have found myself with this space that opened up in my physical home that led to a direct avenue of opening up space inside of my own heart, inside of my own body, inside of my own spiritual journey. It was almost like, like I had this huge need to have this space, the space to be alone, a door to close, privacy of some sort, but because I didn’t have it, all of these practices that I’ve desperately needed to be more disciplined around, they didn’t happen as naturally, right? And I did them more seldom. As soon as this happened, and I got to create this sacred space up here where I’m sitting right now, things just started changing in my life. And it’s kind of, it’s kind of wild.

[29:01] And I know they go, they go both ways, right: I was in that place in my spiritual journey of realizing, “I need to claim more of my own life for me,” which led to clearing out this room, right? But in also clearing out the room, gave me the physical, energetic, emotional space to accelerate that journey that I was already on, right — to level up, basically. So, in here right now, I, I’ve shared on social media once or twice — if you follow me on Instagram I’m going to, I’m going to post and share it there, because it’s so beautiful — I compromised, I have a sofa now that’s also a sofa-bed, it’s like a really cozy sofa, couch, but it can pull out and become a bed for when, if we have guests, right? Guests don’t have to be banished [laughs], they can still come, so it’s like there’s a ten percent area where I can accommodate guests if they come. Ninety percent of the space is just mine, and for me.

[29:53] I have a beautiful, huge desk now, like overlooking the ocean and the beautiful view here with so much space. I have plants everywhere, and then, most important of all, this huge space in the middle of the room where I can move, where I can do whatever it is that, that needs doing, whatever needs to be expressed with my body. And the, the really wild thing about it is this opening up of this space, this kind of claiming this area of my life, which of course represents a lot of things in my family dynamic, and letting go of old relationships, and things that haven’t been working, strangely enough coincided with — and this is something that I’m still kind of wrapping my head around a little bit — coincided with me getting panic attacks.

[30:40] [Laughing] I know this is like a weird twist to the story, but that happened, yeah? And I shared a little bit about this a couple of podcasts ago, that somehow, the moment when everything started falling into place, you know, when everything felt super easy, where suddenly I found myself meditating so much more, you know, really getting super disciplined with all of my practices; journalling; having space to close a door and be with myself; you know, gardening, being home, being still, being quiet…all of these beautiful things started just unfolding really easily. And with that, something inside of me started panicking.

[31:22] And…I’m in the middle of unravelling this right now, that…but what I’ve kind of understood about myself is I have spent 31 years totally wired for panic [laughs]. For stress, for pressure, with this idea that there’s always going to be something that’s wrong, that feeling, yeah? I don’t know if anybody resonates with this, but that feeling of, “regardless of how good my life is, or the blessings or the beauty that I have, there’s an undercurrent within me, at all times, that waits for the other shoe to drop. That waits for the next disaster, for the next death, for the next chaotic, dramatic, you know, implosion of something in my life.” And I didn’t even know that I had this undercurrent, that I was living with this vibration of kind of holding my breath, you know, waiting for disaster to strike.

[32:18] And, you know, it’s of course what’s fuelled this huge drive inside of me to, to run, really fast, in every direction, wherever I go. To work really hard, to not be still, to be in perpetual motion. It’s also, of course, served me really well: like I’ve used that energy to build an amazing business, to create wonderful initiatives and projects, and write books, you know, all the big pieces of work that I have ever done in my life have all come because of a deadline and pressure, right: I work really, really, really well. Tell me I have a year to create something, and I will wait for the 364th day to begin, but Ill still finish on time, like that’s just how I work, right?

[33:00] So, so it’s served me well, but it’s also a, a really, really, really challenging vibration to live with. And it didn’t become apparent to me enough until I got to a place where I think my nervous system settled down enough that I actually started believing that “hey, life is quiet right now. Like, I am pretty safe, right now. Maybe no one is going to die, tomorrow, right? Maybe everything is just okay.” And the moment I got to that place of just looking around, realizing that, “man, okay, everything is just really quiet,” then something inside of me [laughs] something really big, something really scary that I, that I can’t really explain it in any other way other than, than it came from deep within my body; it was a physical response of something that I think had been kept buried inside of me for a long, long, long, long time and needed this long wind down, this total peeling away of all the layers, this total halt, right, everything coming to a halt, and this feeling of safety, which I started feeling just from everything being so quiet and so okay, right? Then, what came through I think, or I’m pretty clear, is a really old trauma that’s been lingering inside of me that I have not been able to see, or hold, or touch, or unpack — it’s been just there, hidden in the dark.

[34:31] And I started getting these panic attacks, right? So, I have a psychologist, you guys know I’ve been in therapy — I still don’t really know the difference between a therapist and a psychologist [laughs]. I think a psychologist can prescribe medication, or is that a psychiatrist? I probably should look this up. I actually don’t even know what my, what my gal does, or what she is [laughs]. Therapist. And she was the one who recommended to me, you know, when I brought this and just this feeling of overwhelm, this feeling of panic that would come in the most peaceful moments, like what the fuck is that shit? Who, who lives like that?

[35:06] You know, I get feeling panicked when things are falling apart, right: when the world is ending, when everything is scary, when people are dying, all this stuff. But when everything is fine, shouldn’t I be feeling fine when everything is fine? No; when everything is fine and quiet, then, suddenly, I was getting panic attacks in the middle of the night. And had to leave my bedroom, my bed, like consistently, every night, to go out into the kitchen, drink a glass of water and try to breathe, you know, even though nothing was wrong, seemingly.

[35:35] And she was the one to suggest, you know, “why don’t you, why don’t you do a 21 day challenge? To do a dynamic meditation every day?” [Laughs] And if you’ve listened to this podcast for a while, or since the beginning, I, I have a whole episode dedicated to the, to the dynamic mediation that you can listen to if you want to learn more about what it’s about. We do dynamic meditations in all of our retreats and teacher trainings, all of our groups. And my experience with dynamic meditation was my first meditation experience, when I was 17 or 18 years old, and found myself at my first meditation retreat, the meditation we practiced was dynamic meditation.

[36:14] And, it’s a meditation coined and created by Osho Bhagwan. I’m not going to get into, get into the controversy of Osho; very, very, very radical and controversial man who created some of the most amazing tools that I have personally ever come across when it comes to accelerating the healing that we’re already on. So, I’m very family with dynamic, I’ve practiced so much dynamic in my life, but, you know, 21 days in a row? Like a challenge of doing that for 21 days? And even though my brain went, “absolutely not, that sounds insane,” you know — anyone who’s ever done a dynamic meditation knows it’s the fucking worst, okay? And I, and I don’t say that lightly, like I really mean it. Dynamic meditations are the fucking worst.

[37:06] So if you’ve never ever ever heard about it before, I’ll just do a little run down of what it is: it’s an hour meditation, it’s unguided, so there’s no one talking to you or telling you what to do, but it’s guided by music. One hour of music playing, there’s five stages to the meditation, and you’ll know when to switch from the first stage to the second to the third to the fourth and then finally the fifth, by the music changing abruptly. So it’s something that you have to learn prior, you know, and you can learn it on your own, and then turn on the music; you can find the music on Spotify, I have a Spotify playlist of dynamic meditation if you want to find it.

[37:42] But it is one of those types of meditations that it’s, it’s hard to just pick up and do on your own if you’ve had no prior experience with it, because it’s, it’s much, much, much easier to do in a group when you get to connect with the energy of other people. Extremely challenging thing to do on your own. So, five stages, the first stage is chaotic breathing, where basically it’s a little bit like kapalabhati breath, Breath of Fire, but chaotic. So it’s a forceful exhale through the nose, the inhale is involuntary, the inhale just happens on it’s own, just a forceful exhale through the nose, but with chaotic, with chaotic, like a moment of chaos in there. So there’s no rhythm, there’s no [breathes rhythmically] you know, it’s totally chaotic; big breaths, little breaths, fast, slow.

[38:31] And what it does is the, the chaotic portion of the, of the breath, it inhibits your mind’s ability to attach to something, right? So even if you have a mantra, or you’re focussing on the breath; after a little while, the mind will be able to anticipate that, and attach to that, and you can continue the breath while thinking a lot of thoughts, right? Or be lost in thought, or judgement, or problem, or whatever story’s happening in your mind. So the chaotic breath keeps you totally present on your toes. And it oxygenates your entire being. And this phase lasts for ten minutes. It’s really intense, it’s absolutely, totally…it’s fucking insane, okay? It’s insane, but very, very, very efficient, absolutely works, brings you here, now.

[39:17] And then the second stage begins with a complete shift of the music, and the second stage is called catharsis. Which basically is, is a space that opens up the opportunity for you to act out, release and process whatever is moving inside of you. And you can interpret that in so many different ways; whatever is moving inside of you. Usually what is moving inside of us that we need to get out are the kinds of emotions and experiences that society has told us is not okay for us to feel out loud. Or the kinds of experiences where we didn’t feel safe to express them, or, or feel them out loud, in the open.

[40:00] So what comes up, or tends to come up, is a lot of anger. A lot of sadness, a lot of pain; can be grief, can be resentment, frustration, irritation. In a room, if you’re a hundred people doing a dynamic together, when catharsis begins, the second stage begins, it’s like animals in a zoo, right? So traditionally, so this is done with a blindfold normally, if you’re new, just to keep all of your focus and awareness within you, you know, it’s not about looking at anybody else, but a completely allowing for your own process. So in a room with a lot of people, you might have some people, you know, hollering, or howling like wolves, and then some people cursing and screaming, like the most primal, guttural screams. You might have some people dancing, some people singing; someone’s clucking like a duck, someone’s beating the shit out of bolster, or whacking a pillow into the wall. And someone is, is you know, peacefully smiling, like up in the sky… like it’s just whatever’s moving inside of you, you release.

[41:02] [Laughs] So, for me, this is nothing strange because I do this so often, but I know for someone who’s never had this experience in our YTT groups, or yoga teacher training groups for instance, when we do the first dynamic, there’s always a moment of shock, of like, “what on Earth [laughs] is this?” Because we have been so conditioned to keep it together at all times, right? And you can tell, looking at any child, any toddler, any kid, how close we are to our emotions, and how natural it is for us to act out and release emotions as children, you know; it’s just this totally natural thing. But then, somehow, that doesn’t really work for society, right? Society doesn’t really allow for you to, to just be sad, right? You gotta suck it up, and do your job, and go to work, and feed the kids, and, and, you know, stand in line at the grocery store and do all the things you have to do, it doesn’t, it’s not really appropriate, right?

[41:55] And I think that’s really sad, because there’s definitely a variation, or an option of our society where we can still function with structure, and still treat our emotional needs as bodily functions, as something totally natural, and healthy part of being a human being, instead of repressing everything we feel all the time. I’m so certain that this repression of everything we are is what causes big, big, big, painful problems out in the world, you know, violence and things like that. Of course, if we don’t have any healthy, or allowed, or safe way, no one ever teaches us what to do with our anger, and we internalize anger our entire lives, after a while, we’re going to be like a bomb, you know, ready to explode at anything that comes our way.

[42:44] So, dynamic, you know, when you do it with a group, you also get to work, in that second stage, you get to work with that energy off of everybody else. So just hearing other people releasing anger can help you release your anger. Or hearing other people going deep into a place of sadness, crying, can trigger that sadness in you. And it’s also this space of just allow, like allowing everything that’s there to come out. And sometimes, you know, if we don’t feel anything, we act it out and we pretend, you know? Just moving the body, just shaking something out, just making weird noises, just going crazy, just basically ten minute permission to go fucking nuts. And let whatever crazy is stuck inside of you out. That’s it. That’s it.

[43:28] Then the music changes again, and the third stage begins, which is the “hoo” stage. So basically you stand up, or you’re standing up, the whole time you’re standing up, but standing up, you hold your arms straight up in the air, you jump up and down, landing on the soles of your feet, chanting, “hoo. Hoo. Hoo. Hoo.” And this stage is also ten minutes, and it’s very, very, very, very physical; the whole dynamic, the whole meditation is extremely physical, from the first minute you begin, you’re seating, you’re moving your body constantly throughout.

[44:02] And the “hoo” phase, you know, grounds us back into the body; it’s a first chakra, root chakra chant, and jumping with the soles of the feet allows the vibration from the earth to really ground into the feet and into the legs and into the core of your being. And then, ten minutes pass, which feels sometimes like hours, and then you hear “stop!” And you stop. And that’s the fourth stage, which is silence, and it’s fifteen minutes long. So your arms are up in the air, you hold your arms up the entire time, and you just stay, still. You get really, really quiet, and you bring in all the energy that you used, that you were creating throughout all the other stages, you really hold in this space, and then you just witness what happens in the silence.

[44:48] And that’s fifteen minutes long. So yea, this, from the hour of this meditation, 25 minutes are spent holding your arms straight up, into the air. It’s [laughing] very, very intense. And then at the end of silence comes the fifth and final stage, which is celebration, when you get some really beautiful music, and you get to just express and dance, express whatever’s in your body, to celebrate the day. So traditionally, this meditation is done first thing in the morning.

[45:16] So yeah, that’s a dynamic. And [laughs] my therapist said, “you know, why don’t you do a 21 day challenge and just, it feels likes there’s something really big in your body that maybe you’re not going to be able to figure out through your mind, right?” Because I was sitting, I was in therapy, and I was talking about this, and some things are just physical, some things are maybe old, maybe internalized and held by the body for a, you know, for years, or for our whole lives. So perhaps just the dynamic can give you some power, and also allow you to move through anything that’s stuck that you can’t get to by thinking your way there, right? So even though my mind was like, “oh, my God, absolutely not, that sounds like torture,” something inside of me, my, my body, my heart, my soul, went, “yes. Yes. Yeah. Yes. This is it.”

[46:03] So I literally hung up with her after that session, turned the music on and did a dynamic in this space. That was 27 days ago [laughs]. I have done a dynamic meditation once a day, every single day, for [laughing] 27 days straight. And even saying that out loud makes me just crack up because it’s so fucking insane. Now, in your life of course, if you’re feeling the need for some, something drastic, right, something radical, dynamic meditation is just one of a million things that you could do. What really worked for me in terms of this is that it’s deeply uncomfortable, right? It’s not, for me yoga, traditional kind of meditation where I sit down on my porch and, you know, take a breath with a cup of tea, and then I close my eyes and look for stillness, right, all those things, they bring me a lot of peace, they bring me a lot of joy, I love them, I look forward to them, they’re easy.

[47:01] Dynamic meditation is hard. And I’m at a place in my life right now where doing the easy things just, they don’t hold, that doesn’t hold up any more. I think what I’m carrying and moving through, it’s too big, too intense, too…too massive for me to be able to yoga my way through it, or to continue doing just these healthcare practices that feel really comfortable. Like I’m in that comfort zone. And even though yes, sometimes I have a challenging yoga practice, of course, and sometimes I, I really feel challenged when I’m meditating in, in silence and stillness, it’s not bringing me out of my comfort zone. And I kind of knew that whatever it is that I was here to heal, or whatever kind of healing it is that I need to do, it’s in that space of, of, of something that’s foreign, of something that’s totally new; I’m not going to get to something new by doing the same things I’ve done every day for so many years. Like I need something radical, and something totally different.

[47:59] So I did that, first week was horrible. Horrible. I mean every single meditation, horrible. Dreading it, didn’t want to do it, dragging myself up to this room, you know. And of course, every day it involves my dear, dear sweet husband taking our daughter and leaving the house for an hour. Him and Lea Luna, they’re been like going for adventures, and running errands, and going to the playground, and he’s just…without him, I couldn’t, couldn’t do any of this because obviously it’s a, it’s a, it’s a loud meditation in the beginning. But I’ve realized also it doesn’t have to be at all, and actually right now I’m doing most of my dynamics when people are still in the house. And after 27 days, I don’t have to yell so much any more, which is why I have kind of a voice now; I lost my voice a lot over the past, over the past month.

[48:48] But yeah, the first, first week was really hard, excruciating agony, oh, my God, torture. But what came up in the dynamic, especially in the second phase in terms of, of the emotional release, what came up was so big, I had no idea, I had no idea I was carrying that kind of grief. i had no idea I had so many tears to cry, I had so much pain, I had so much anger, resentment, fear. And it really was, even though I was of course like a fully functioning person, you know, it felt like, felt like I was a bomb ready to explode. And that’s what the panic attacks were, in the middle of the night: it was me moving through my day, doing a lot of self-care practices, seeing a therapist once a week, it’s not like I’m a, a totally unconscious, like droning type person who doesn’t, isn’t aware of anything, like I…if you listen to this podcast, like this is all I do, right?

[49:52] But there was a level I couldn’t reach just by talking about it in therapy, or by, through my yoga practice, or through, once in awhile I’ll go to the ocean and scream, or like I’ll howl at the moon when it’s a full moon, like I have those kinds of things that I do. But there was this deep, deep, deep, deep layer of pain inside of me that I think was uncovered throughout coronavirus, throughout these crises that I’ve been through. I’ve also had a huge separation from my mom, beginning of March, so it’s been four months without her…there’s been a lot of big, big, guttural soul changes in my life. And I wasn’t aware of just how much needed to be released.

[50:33] So at night, when everything was peaceful and quiet, all of that energy, right? All of that tension of frustration, of anger, of sadness, it sat there, like an elephant sitting on top of my chest, making, making it impossible for me to breathe. So even though dynamic for the first week was horrible and awful, every day I could breathe a little easier. Every day, I slept a little better, I still had to drag myself up to this room, you know, and do it every day.

[51:02] Second week, you know, it’s like, almost like every week I had a different theme, so I had a lot of anger come through, and then I had a lot of sadness come through, and then…but it was never, never ever that I felt, for the first two weeks, I didn’t have a moment of joy in catharsis in the second stage. I didn’t have a single moment of silliness, or goofiness, or anything other than pain, and getting to act that out is, is, is the best, the best thing I’ve done so far this year, a hundred percent.

[51:30] And then something interesting happened, and I’m sharing this because it’s opened up a big knowing inside of me that has led to a lot of change, and some of that change also relates to how I engage with the world, and shifts and some changes that I’ve made also in terms of how I relate to this community. And I want to share that. So about two weeks in, this was right around, let me see, yeah, almost when Black Lives Matter and the protests started, and there was so much, you know, around the world, still is, you know, still very, very current. But that same week when everything got really, really, really intense, right, everything was kind of at it’s edge, in the middle of a dynamic meditation, I had a, I had a, a trauma become uncovered for the first time in my life.

[52:19] So, something that I’m not going to get into detail of, but something very, very specific, very, very, very painful that happened to me when I was little that I didn’t know had happened. And it was kind of like, like I can only explain it as, it was like my body to revealed to me something painful and abusive that happened to me when I was little that I have held forever, that I kind of packaged away in a little corner, and closed the door, and threw away the key, right?

[52:48] And of course I do a lot of trauma work, you know, and this is a, a totally healthy, normal coping mechanism, especially as children, especially the sensitive years before we’re seven, where when something incredibly overwhelming or painful comes our way, a way for the, for us to cope is that we, we lock it away, right? We dissociate, we forget that it happened, and it becomes like a way, a way to survive, right? A way to move forward, to not touch that scary place.

[53:21] And I had that experience, and we’ve had that sometimes in our trauma healing groups, and I’ve seen it happen in, in groups and programs a few times, where doing this kind of work, of course, can lead to the uncovering of something that we weren’t ready to deal with before, but now we are. And that came my way, changed my life [laughs] completely changed my whole life, made me question almost everything I’ve been told about my childhood, about my family, about what happened when I was little, you know, made me pull at every thread.

[53:56] And, beautifully, also is it made me remember a lot of things. I don’t have any memories from when I was little, and I’ve spoken about that on the podcast too, and I would always say it would like, almost, like, as a joke, like you know, like with a little laugh, like from age, you know, two and three or whenever it is you start to form memories that are supposed to last, until I, I was almost ten, nine and a half, I don’t remember anything. [Laughs] And I can still laugh saying that, because it’s so ridiculous.

[54:24] And I’ve never really investigated that: why is it that all of these years of my life are like, a chapter from a book that was torn out? Like it doesn’t exist. And when this was uncovered, I started remembering fragments of things, and I started sitting down, really exploring, like, “what are my genuine memories from when I was little?” I cannot remember a single room that I had, in any of the houses where we lived growing up until I’m ten years old. Isn’t that insane? The fact that I never stopped to really reflect on that, like, “hey,” you know, “why don’t I remember, like what our house looked like? What my school was like, what my friends were like, what any experiences were like that happened in all of that time; like that’s a lot of years, really important years. I have no memories.

[55:15] Right, and now that makes a lot of sense all of a sudden. And it was like the moment I had this uncovering happening, first of all, the thing that felt like scary, scary, scary, unbearable trauma of how, how will I ever heal from this, or deal with this, suddenly, you know, after a few days, started feeling totally manageable. It’s like, and I say this a lot, like everything that we keep hidden in the dark, it grows, and it feels worse, and it feels heavier, and it becomes harder. Same is with this, right? And I really, really trust that I’m able to remember these things now because I’m ready to remember them, because I’m in a space in my life, maybe for the first time, where I can hold it, where I can look at it and not panic, not freak out, where I can process it through this practice that I’m doing now every day, and actually release it from my system right, actually get to a place of healing that was never, ever possible before.

[56:14] So, the days following that, this was so…I’ve done several trauma healing sessions and things around it as well. Like immediately, I just asked for help, which is also very foreign for me, for normally when I really suffer, I suffer alone. And this came up, and I was like, immediate, it was like immediate response of, “I need help. I cannot, I have no idea how to deal with this, this is too big,” and I got help.

[56:38] And after that, suddenly I’m remembering things. Like every week, I have a, it’s, it’s it’s almost like, have you ever seen…someone bought Lea for her, we had a little birthday party for her, four months delayed, this weekend, and someone got her a little, it’s like a fossil un-covery toy [laughs]. It’s like a piece of clay, like a clay brick, and it comes with a little plastic fossil knife, and you scrape the clay off, and you brush the clay off, and underneath hides a fossil, like she’s really into dinosaurs right now, so this is like, her most exciting gift. It feels like that, you know, it’s like I’m, like I’m kind of working away with my little, scraping away with my little knife, like uncovering another layer, brushing away the dust. And then I’m realizing that there are memories there, and there are entire shapes, and smells, and feelings, and, and you know, experiences and places that actually, I do remember, they’re there, it’s just everything that attached to that situation when I was little, I had to lock away, that was, that’s just what happened.

[57:44] And it’s been really beautiful to remember beautiful things. Like I’ve had some really beautiful, normal, mundane, boring memories come up, which has been a, just a beautiful thing to sit with, and talk about, and kind of re-shaping this whole idea of, of what my childhood was in my, in my life, you know. So that was week two [laughs] and then week three was really processing that, and then finally in this last week, you know, it’s been a month almost, and I hit day 21, which was what this challenge was supposed to be, and I knew “there’s no way I’m going to stop now, like this, there’s to many big things that are being uncovered and that I’m figuring out, so I’m just, I’m on a roll and I’m going to keep going.” But it’s in this last week that I’ve been able to, in this meditation, experience joy, which is like…[laughs] why was that so far away, you know?

[58:41] Imagine that, like 20…three weeks of having space for emotional release every day, and not experiencing any kind of joy; everything that came pouring out was hard, and bad, and heavy, and angry, and sad, you know? What the fuck is that? And now, it’s been this revelation of “hey! I can go into this meditation and experience, like, excitement, [laughs] something joyful, something beautiful. Doesn’t have to be this heavy, horrible thing.” And now, every single day, as I go to do my dynamic, I’m not dragging my feet up the, up the stairs any more, it’s just the easiest thing, you know? It’s just a part of my day, same like I brush my teeth every day; I do a dynamic every day.

[59:25] And I don’t now how long this is going to last, I don’t know…of course I’m not, obviously it’s not going to be something I do every day for the rest of my life, but with it, this is the first time I’m really speaking in depth about all of this in a whole month comes also this, this huge need to change how I interact with other people, in this world. And for the first time in my life, I have limited what I share on social media, I have removed the option for people to send me messages on social media, or on Instagram, to respond to my stories, things like that, and just giving myself more space right now to continue listening to myself.

[60:07] And this is something that I, that I really, really, really want to urge for each of us, and for you listening to this right now, it’s a huge realization that I’ve had: when I listen to everybody else — and this really counts, like quantity and amount of people really counts — the more people I listen to in a day, the more people I interact with, the more people I go to asking for advice, and this includes even things like looking for things on YouTube, or reading thousands of books, and watching movies, and podcasts, like everything, the more people I look to, but especially people in our lives that maybe already have a preconceived idea of who we are, the more people I listen to, the harder it becomes to hear my own voice.

[60:58] So, if I’m constantly looking around me, looking out at the world, asking the world “hey, hey, hey, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? What should I do here?” If I’m so quick to, the moment I feel something, I throw it out there on social media, and then I listen to literally thousands of people tell me what they think I should do, or tell me what they feel about my feelings [laughs] or my experience, but for every person that I actually take in and allow in that space, it becomes a little harder for me to hear my own inner truth.

[61:31] And I think a lot of us, we do this when we lose our footing; we forget that actually, when we lose our footing, what we need to do is center and come back home to us. And instead we go a little frantic, and we look around and we thing “oh, my God, someone out there is going to have the magical answer for me: some teacher, some person, some friend, someone in my family, you know, who’s going to know what to do, so I have to really listen to what everybody says right now.” And the more time we spend doing that, the more distant we become from that knowing inside of us that’s there all fucking along.

[62:08] Like there is a truth, a knowing inside of you, that it doesn’t doubt anything. That knows exactly what the next right thing is. That knows, actually, what you need, whether that’s a radical practice, like this crazy shit that I’m doing right now, or if it’s a change in terms of cutting a relationship out of your life, setting a boundary in a certain way, deciding to change something major, you know, that knowing inside of you already knows what to do, already knows what you need, and knows the next right step.

[62:45] But then, you know, you go and you ask all these other people for help, and every time you do that, you forget that actually, the answer is already within you. So what if, when those things happen, when those challenging moments came our way, our response was, “okay, let me spend some more time with myself. I’m having a hard week, I’m getting panic attacks, I’m freaking out, I’m fearful, I’m worried, I’m grieving,” whatever it is that you’re struggling with right now, have that innate response be, “okay, I’m going to really make sure that I spend more time alone with myself, that I get radically intense and disciplined about the self-care practices that I know take me a little closer to my own truth.

[63:28] Imagine if that was your natural response, instead of looking out at the world, you know, like this kind of fragile little bird, “please help, please help, I don’t know what to do.” You do know what to do, just somewhere along the way, you forgot. You lost sight of it. And also, if you have huge layers of unprocessed emotions, and pain, and maybe even traumas, right? Big t’s or little t’s, if all of that is cloud…I don’t want to use the word clouding, but if all of that is weighing really heavy on you inside, again, there’s going to be a lot of things in the way between you and that inner knowing, between you and that inner truth.

[64:11] So we have to deal with that. We have to. Like we have no fucking other way. And, you know, this thing that I’m doing, it’s one way, and it’s something that’s working for me. It’s also something that I’m prepared for, right; I can kind of see how my whole journey of, of personal development and healing, it led me to this place now where I can heal this stuff myself, like I can be in this room, doing this crazy meditation every day, and know that as I’m doing that, I am self-healing. But, I’m supported, right? I have a therapist. Or a psychologist, I have to ask [laughs]. It’s funny that I don’t know.

[64:48] You know, I have a husband who’s here, who’s ready to take my kid and give me space every single day, who asks me how I’m doing, who holds space for me to share when I have really hard days, right? I also have a circumstance that allows this right now, like I’m not worried about money right now, so many of us are, so many people out there are, after coronavirus, or in the middle of coronavirus, like in the U.S., I feel like it’s just getting more and more challenging. So all these factors play a role, and the important part right now is to really acknowledge that, “hey, where am I right now? What’s available to me right now? What are the tools and the resources that I have that I can actually deploy, that I can actually use?”

[65:37] And, “what’s non-negotiable? Like what’s that thing every day that no matter how hard it is, right, no matter how I feel, no matter if it doesn’t feel like that kind of day, no matter if I’m unmotivated, or in pain, or feeling lazy, or I don’t want to do anything else, what is that thing that no matter fucking what, I show up for every day?” And something about this that I attach to the, to this mediation is after every meditation, I sit down and I journal. And I always had a journalling practice, but it wasn’t disciplined, it wasn’t like my yoga practice where it’s gotta happen every day. No. No, no.

[66:09] It was one of those things where if I’m going through a hard time, I would journal, right? or if there’s a ceremony, I would journal, or setting an intention for something, I would journal. But every single day, even when I’m not motivated, my mind would tell me that I have more important things to do than write about my feelings [laughs] you know? Where actually, a disciplined yo…journalling practice, a disciplined journalling practice, where you show up in that way, with that channel to yourself, to your own inner truth open, it is free version of therapy.

[66:44] If you can’t afford therapy right now, if you can’t afford a psychologist, you have resources available to you, but you gotta use them. It’s so true. You know, we have the 29K app, it’s literally free resources for healing, created by the most amazing psychologists in this field. I have the eight week course for self-compassion, self-love on 29K, and there’s also tools just for when we’re in crisis, which most of us are right now; it’s free, for everyone, forever. Download the 29K app, if you haven’t already.

[67:16] We have everything that we offer on yogagirl.com, it’s 16 dollars a month. I go live every week to open up a genuinely safe space for us to sit in circle, to journal, to breathe deeply, to set our intentions, to talk about what’s hard, and most importantly, to move our bodies, right? And we have thousands of classes and meditations and videos…16 dollars a month, it’s like skipping two cups of coffee, you know, at Starbucks every month, and you have that.

[67:45] you have things you can do on your own that involve anything, on any device, right, like journalling every day, like committing to that, putting a timer on, “okay, I’m going to sit down and journal for 15 minutes every day, until my timer goes off. Just, today I feel…” and then continue that line and see where it takes you. Like dynamic meditation if you want to do something totally wild; it’s free [laughs], doesn’t cost anything, you know, it’s just you. You can do the emotional component of it where you give yourself ten minutes a day to scream into a pillow, to dance wildly, to let whatever gibberish is stuck be shaken through your body, right?

[68:24] You can spent time in nature, but you gotta be radical about it, it can’t be one of those things where we only resort to our resources when things get really bad. And that’s what I’m realizing is I’ve, I’ve kind of been missing is I’m really good at talking to God when I feel like I’m lost. When I feel despair, when I feel like I don’t know what to do, then all of a sudden, “oh, wait, all these things kick into gear.” Well what if I did those things every day, right? What if it’s more about the maintenance of my spiritual practice instead of just the huge moments of “oh, my God, I won’t make it through if I don’t continue and commit to this.” It’s the everyday part.

[69:04] And a really important part, which I would love to share right now just to invite you to go there, is sharing, right? And you don’t need a therapist, or a psychologist to share. If you have one, great, great to talk to an expert, all the time, I’m a huge fan of all, of all, all forms of therapy. But sharing with anybody in your life, not only when things are hard, right? Having that avenue of getting to talk to someone, of getting to open up those dark, dark, dark corners of our hearts, before they get so dark that they keep us up at night.

[69:39] It’s almost like you have to open up the vent, and just release some pressure every day, like, “man, had a hard day today,” let’s talk about that, open up that. Or, “hey, I’m really triggered in this conversation about what’s happening in the world right now. It’s reminding me of all these insecurities and fears and all the pain I felt before, and it’s here now,” okay, so talk about that. Open up about that. Share your feelings. Get vulnerable, and practice that kind of exposure, right?

[70:05] Exposure is a positive word, it’s a really, really, really good word. Exposing what we hide away, and of course to do that, we have to feel safe, right, it has to be with a person that you trust. So creating that, and if you feel like, “man, I don’t have any of this,” then you gotta pray. You gotta pray, right? You gotta get on your knees, ask God, Great Spirit, Universal Love, you know, whatever you call it, for help. You ask for divine help. You ask for divine help.

[70:40] And I’m in that space right now where I’m doing that every day. So, if things are looking a little bit different [laughs] on the Yoga Girl side, it’s because things are different within me right now, and that’s a good thing. It really, really, really feels like a good thing, that’s a beautiful thing that’s anchoring me through all of this, even on the hardest days, is I have this overwhelming knowing inside that all of this is good, right? That all of this is good, that all the growth, all the triggers, all the pain, all the things surfacing that we didn’t know were there before, all of it, however painful in the moment, however painful it is to realize it, or see it come to light, it is a good thing that it’s coming to light.

[71:34] It’s much worse hidden away, behind closed doors, festering, growing underneath the surface, right? It needs to be brought to light. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be all butterflies and rainbows and comfortable and great, right? Probably means it’s going to be fucking hard. And messy. And might look like, you know [laughs] like it does for me, like banging my fists into a bolster until I vomit, which I, which I did. Several days in a row. Like…[laughs] you know, that’s not a pretty thing. But it’s a good thing, right? I’d rather have that out of my system than in my system.

[72:10] So, I shared on Instagram the other day just how important it is that we all get with the new program. Meaning we are in the middle of a huge shift, massive, massive, massive shift, it’s a rebirth. And we can try to resist it, we can say “I don’t want this, I’m uncomfortable here, I want things to go back to what they were,” we can’t go back to what they were, right? The shift is here. And whatever kind of nudges and signs you’ve been getting from the Universe lately, you gotta take them seriously right now, you gotta act on them.

[72:46] And if you’re feeling right now that you have these opportunities to explore something you haven’t explored, then get brave enough and do that, to change something that needs changing. Get brave enough, go within, look for that courage, and make the change. We can’t wait any longer. It’s like we’re here, now, the shift is here, now, we gotta just move forward. And it’s going to be messy, it’s going to be hard, but you’re here right now for a reason, and you’re ready. Fuck man, you’re ready.

[73:22] If you’re looking for a sign, this is it. This, here, now, is it. You are ready. You’re ready. So, let’s go. Thank you so much for listening today, giving me this, [laughs] this space to share and open up. If you have questions about anything, you know, if anything, any of this is triggering within you a longing to try a meditation, or change something, or, you know, just feeling any kind of vulnerability around this at all and you want some answers, we have a community board on yogagirl.com.

[73:58] So you just go to yogagirl.com, you can either subscribe and then you can practice with me every single week, and join the live classes and the meditations and everything that we do. We’re also going to do something really amazing that I’m going to share right now, in advance, but we’re opening up sharing circles now on yogagirl.com, which I’m really excited about. You can also just start a free account which just gives you access to the community board.

[74:21] Go to the community board and share, right? Like, “hey, I listened to the podcast and here is what’s moving inside of me now,” like journalling, and speaking out loud, it’s a combination of those two things, the journalling and the sharing, just opening up with that as a safe space within this community, where we are all in this together, listen to this podcast, do this kind of work together, right? We need, more than ever, I think, a community so that we feel held along the way.

[74:48] So when things come up, don’t sit with them in silence, right? But open up, keep things moving and take really care of yourself. So, see you at yogagirl.com, and the Yoga Girl podcast will be back next week.

[75:03 — End of Episode]