Generational Trauma: Heal Now What We Couldn’t Heal Then favorite_border

Conversations from the Heart - October 25th 2019

Author: Rachel Brathen

Topics: Healing, Family

Links: Apple Podcasts / Spotify

About the Episode

In this week’s episode Rachel candidly unpacks some of her generational trauma and how it has influenced her life through her work ethic and motherhood.

By becoming a mother, she is given the gift of watching her generational story unfold in the way that she cares for herself and her family. Through therapy and a lot of personal development work, she is recognizing the need to heal her childhood wounds - and that the time to begin is now.

We always makes sure our children are so loved, cared for, protected, nourished and well rested. Everything we are providing for our kids, we must also provide for ourselves!

Tune in for an episode that will remind you to care for yourself the way you care for your family, take your rest seriously, prioritize your time, and find balance between work and play.

Trust that you can heal your own generational traumas by digging in, unpacking, and doing the work in order to grow.

Yoga Girl 017949-min

Transcript

[01:07] Hi everyone! Welcome to another episode of the Yoga Girl Podcast: Conversations From The Heart. I am so beyond happy and proud to share with you guys that I am home! [laugh] I’m officially home. The To Love and Let Go Tour is officially over. We made it! I am so proud of myself, especially not feeling 100% all throughout these past couple of weeks, I feel really proud of myself. Not just that I sort of made it through this tour, but that I did a really good job. Because I really … I feel like I need to give myself a little bit of props. I did a really good job with this tour. We’ve met so many amazing people, had amazing events and classes, and everything has gone above and beyond. We haven’t had any mishaps, no panics, nothing went wrong. It’s been really really really really great.

[02:08] So a huge thank you to the many thousands and thousands of people who came to see me and practice with me this month. I am so grateful for you. For everyone asking about what’s happening in other countries, I am actually not entirely sure. We are planning something, I think, in the following four countries, it’s Sweden, Germany, the U.K., and Holland. But that’s it as far as I know right now. I’m going through a lot [laugh] … You guys know, I’m going through a lot. If you listened to last week’s podcast I … yeah, if you haven’t listened to it, I suggest you listen to it before listening to this one, but I shared a little bit more in depth about my mental health and how I’ve been struggling a little bit over the past couple of months, and my decision to start therapy, which has been really fucking amazing. I gotta say, I got some really good recommendations, so from one of my teachers and my teacher’s teacher, and got a really good recommendation, so I feel like I already had trust in the woman that I’m seeing now. Maybe I’m super lucky. I know for a lot of people you have to go through kind of a couple of people until you find that right, perfect person for you. But I feel like I have found a really good match. And now just once a week for an hour, I have the amazing blessing to have someone hold space for me, to share and talk and ask questions and get support and tools and help when I need it. [laugh] Which, it’s kind of ridiculous that I haven’t done this in the past, in this way. I mean, I have a lot of other tools and other ways of getting support, but starting therapy, for me, feels just like a massive win somehow. I don't know why it took me so long.

[03:53] I’m already … it’s only been a couple of weeks, but I am already learning a lot about myself, and I’m beginning to realize … which I didn’t really think of before I started these therapy sessions, but I kind of had this idea that what’s wrong in my life right now … I have to phrase it that way, is that I’m just doing too much, right? I’m just working too hard, haven’t had enough time off, haven’t had enough time to just be, not enough rest. But I’ve been getting close to a burnout because I’ve been working for so many years without a break. And what I’m realizing now through therapy is that all of this is really just a symptom of something else. Before this I had this idea that, yeah, if I just take some time off, everything will work itself out, right? If I just slow down, everything will get better. So I’ve had this idea that I just need to take a couple of months off, I need to not work this hard in 2020, take a year off, need to do, you know, one of those things, and then everything will be fine. I’m realizing now that probably, yes, of course it’s an important step, but probably it’s not going to solve everything. Because the fact that I am working this hard, the fact that I’m always taking on new things, new projects, the fact that I never ever still, never really slow down, is a symptom of way bigger things that all stem from my childhood, obviously. From these core beliefs that I have inside of myself of, you know, what life is supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be and who I’m supposed to be that actually maybe necessarily aren’t even true.

[05:30] So, I’m kind of in this very emotional space right now where I am unpacking a lot of things. And there’s this part of me, I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but there’s this part of me that feels like, “I’ve done so much work.” Right? I work on myself literally all the time, every day. My whole life is personal development and healing, and self-care. I’ve done so many of these groups and retreats and do so much work all the time. I’m not this kind of unconscious person who just bulldozes through life not giving a shit about anything. I am very conscious about how I feel and how I act. But what I think that’s done is that because I’ve had this idea that, yeah, I’ve done so much work already, like I’m finished or something. Which obviously I’m not. And I don’t think we ever are. And I think that idea that I have done so much work on myself has actually kept me from digging in and doing more of the important work, right? That idea that, oh yeah you know … And sometimes I see this, and this is something that I can even kind of smile at when we have a retreat group or a training, whenever I have a participant who sometimes will share, “You know what? I don’t need to do this meditation because I’ve already worked on myself a lot, so …” So we can have that resistance. “I don’t want to do that. I don’t have to do it because I’m already really enlightened. I’m already … I don’t have any problems, I don’t have any.” Which is always super easy to see, like, hey, that’s a huge cop out. Right? Maybe there is a fear, there is something we don’t want to look at. Obviously if there is a huge discomfort or resistance to doing something, that’s probably a sign that, you know, it’s time for us to take a step closer towards that, or at least inquire as to, “Hmm, what is that resistance?” Because something is showing up, right? Instead of just like, “No, I don’t want to do it, fuck everything, I’m going to step out.”

[07:19] And I think I’ve had a little bit of that same attitude. And I think that’s why I haven’t had a therapist. I think that’s why I don’t do more than like one week a year I go to a Path of Love, or I do something. But that’s not nearly enough! [laugh] I mean, I think we need at least, yeah, most of us need more support, more help, more time than that. And I think especially for me, who I spend a lot of time holding space for other people, a lot of energy gets kind of … I don’t want to say “dumped” on me, because that’s not the case, but I … I spend a lot of my time holding space for other people moving through really intensely emotional things. So it might even be that I have a bigger need, right? To help someone hold this with me. But instead I’ve had this idea, like, “Oh, but I’ve done so much work.” Because if I compare the way I feel now compared to before I started this journey, it’s two different people, two different lives. And I’m realizing now that especially since becoming a mom, there has been so many things moving inside of me, so many old wounds that have been triggered. You know, having a baby is an earth-shattering thing. It changes your entire life. Life will never, ever be the same. And I don’t think I’ve spent, or given myself, enough time to actually look at that. TO actually settle with that transition and look at, “Hey, there’s a lot of things that are stirring inside of me right now. Let’s sit with that for a moment.”

[08:47] And why haven’t I done that? Well, I haven’t had the time. That’s my eternal excuse. We are always busy. We always have something. For the past … since we opened the studio in 2017, I have spent half the year immersed in trainings, programs, groups, retreats. Which is insane. [laugh] I mean, literally insane. Spending 23, 24, 25 weeks of the year immersed in a training, I don’t think that that’s really healthy for anybody. I know for any yoga teacher out there, if we can do one or two or three retreats a year, you know, that’s a huge blessing, a ton of work. And I’ve been doing one, you know, at least twice a month I’ve had something. Which, of course, has been this massive blessing and it’s been really beautiful for our business, and we’ve been able to do so much. But it’s been, I’m seeing now, at the expense of my well-being. Which is something that I haven’t really been present to at all. I haven’t really noticed. It’s kind of like I was fine fine fine fine fine, totally able to hold everything together, totally able to move mountains, right? There’s nothing that I can’t do. And then all of the sudden my body was like, “No. Not fine. Not fine anymore.” And my mind goes, “What? Why!? Why aren’t you fine? Come on, get with the program! Feel better! Take these vitamins, try this diet, get better get better get better. Where of course my body has been speaking something super loudly, which is that hey, it’s too much. It’s too much, it’s too much. You gotta slow down, you gotta give yourself some space. And it’s just really clear to me now, I mean, it really … I can almost sit here and laugh at it. I just have taken on too much, and now here I am.

[10:35] I just wrote a little post on Instagram about motherhood and how motherhood is teaching me everything, showing me where I need to go, making me look at all the wounds and all the pain and all the things that are left lingering inside of me since I was a little girl. And I think I shared this on the last podcast, but this is something that I’m really sitting with now, and I’m recognizing how big it is. And that is generational trauma and how the age we were when we went through a trauma or a separation, when we become parents and we get to see our children move through that same age but, you know, safe or held or loved or having all the things that we lacked when we were at that age, it’s this really big trigger. So it’s almost like since I started unpacking that, it’s almost like every time I look at Lea Luna I see myself as a two-and-a-half-year-old and … man, it’s soooo hard! It’s so hard to do this work. I can kind of see all of the things that I didn’t have, right? Not because I want to sit here and blame my parents for whatever. No, I’m kind of done with that. But I can just matter of fact see: I’m raising a daughter now who is totally safe, totally held, the most loved child in the world. She doesn’t have any fear in her life, nothing is lacking in her life. There’s no chaos, no panic. Everything is so solid and beautifully safe and held for her. And I didn’t have that! You know? For a variety of reasons, I didn’t have that when I was her age, and I continued not having that as a child because of all of the traumas and the death and the things that we had in our family then.

[12:24] And it’s almost like, you know, if you believe in the idea of the Inner Child, which I really really do, it’s almost like these past couple of weeks I have this inner two-year-old sitting in my chest, watching my daughter grow up, and this inner child inside of me is like, “This is so unfair!” She’s triggered, she’s sad, and she feels pissed, and it’s a little bit like I’m healing something now, as a 31-year-old, to help my inner two-year-old heal. And what it means is that everything that I was lacking then, instead of just giving that to my daughter now, which of course is the natural thing, as parents, as mothers, as fathers, we automatically pour everything we have into our kids. WE love them so much. And it hasn’t occurred to me until now that I haven’t been pouring that same love toward myself. The love that I’m unconditionally giving her, I don’t know how to give that to myself. I don't know how to receive that. Because I didn’t get those tools when I was that age.

[13:25] So healing those wounds from then, I can do that now, but I have to give myself the things that I’m giving to my daughter. Whoa, can you feel the truth in that? I can really feel … sometimes I say something and I go, “Whoa.” I have to give myself the same things that I’m giving my daughter, the same love, the same support, the same sense of safety, the same time to rest, the same nourishment, the same time to play. All of those beautiful things that make a day great, right? That make up our childhood, that make up our lives. I have to give that to myself too. And I don't know why that idea is so radical. I think it is, for so many of us. Somehow we have it ingrained in our system that we’re supposed to provide and we’re supposed to work and we’re supposed to work really hard and be good and be perfect and succeed and look good, and we have all of these ideas in our heads as adults. And then we’re so focused on giving our children all of these beautiful things, right? I’m taking such good care of my daughter’s sleep, for instance. I have since she was really really little, making sure she sleeps all night long, tweaking little things here and there, making sure she’s not tired, that she has space to nap, that her room is perfect for her nap, that everything is set up so that she can sleep so that she’s rested, right?

[14:43] And then what have I done to myself since I became a mom [laugh] in terms of sleep and rest? I mean, I have never slept less. I have never had less rest in my entire life than I have had over the past couple of years. Why am I not giving myself those same tools, the same time, and the same space for rest?

[Commercial Break]

[16:47] Lea Luna: Mom!

Rachel: Hi, darling.

Lea Luna: [inaudible] Singing.

Rachel: I’m not singing, I’m recording a podcast.

Lea Luna: What? Are you singing?

Rachel: Do you want to sing?

Lea Luna: No.

Rachel: No? How was school?

Lea Luna: Let me have this.

Rachel: Okay but you have to hold it really close to your mouth if you’re going to sing. What are you going to sing?

Lea Luna: Uh. Probably Moana.

Rachel: Okay.

Lea Luna: [singing]

Rachel: Yay! [laugh] Good job! That was a beautiful little intermission. Um, so speaking of … what was I talking about before that beautiful rendition of Moana, singing “How Far I’ll Go,” I was talking about rest and sleep, yeah. So of course when we enter motherhood, I think it’s a common thing, right, it’s a natural thing that happens is that we sleep less and we get really focused on everything that we’re giving and providing to our newborn and our child. But somehow it’s almost like … what I’m feeling is like it’s this unraveling of things. We have all of our ability to sleep unravel just so that we can see it, right? So that we can recognize it and then pick everything back together and teach ourselves how to truly rest. I didn’t really know the importance of sleep, the importance of rest before I became a mom. Because I never had to worry, I could sleep whenever I wanted, right? I never had to think about it. And then becoming a mother, now I know. Man! It’s so important. But still I can’t even compare the amount of time and energy and love and care I spend making sure that my daughter is sleeping and that she’s rested compared to what I give myself, right? And that is something that I’m really really really learning right now.

[19:17] So what I would do is, you know, at any time she was sleeping or napping, I would make sure I got some work done, because those were the only times that I actually had to get work done. So instead of sleeping when she was sleeping or napping when she was napping, I have been working when she has been napping, and working when she has been sleeping. And then she’s awake, and then I’m spending time with her and working hard. All of these things which has just led to the fact that I haven’t really known how to rest all of this time. And now I’m really seeing that. Really really really seeing that, and how ridiculous it is that somehow our children are worth more. Which, of course they are. Of course we think that that’s true, right? We have them, we have a child, and they are the most beautiful, most unbelievably amazing thing we’ve ever seen in our lives. It’s literally having our hearts beat outside of our body. So of course we get confused thinking that we have to sacrifice everything we are in order to give and provide to them.

[20:21] But I’m starting to realize that, you know, motherhood isn’t about sacrifice. Motherhood isn’t about this idea of selflessness, of giving everything away, of sacrificing everything we are for our children. What if it’s the other way around? Right? What if motherhood is about teaching ourselves to give to ourselves? Something I’ve been talking about with my therapist is, you know, she … my daughter is growing up looking at everything that I’m doing, witnessing everything that I do in a day. She will know, or learn, how to treat herself from watching me, you know? How I’m treating myself. So if I don’t sleep, if I don’t nap, if I never ever rest, regardless of how much time I invest in her napping and her resting, she’s going to grow up in this idea of, you know, we don’t need to rest, who needs it? Work a little harder, rest a little less. That’s not what I want for her, right? So somehow it’s like all of this is unraveling just so we can put it back together. And now I am taking this shit so seriously, I really really really am. I am setting myself up every night for a really perfect night’s sleep. And I’m … I’m kind of almost treating myself as a newborn baby. What do I need to sleep through the night? And the reason I’m doing that is because I’ve had months of sleeping terribly. And I never did before, so I never had to worry about it. But now it’s there. So I’m really giving myself that care and that time, making sure I’m not talking about work at all when the work day is done, nothing that brings me any kind of stress. I’m putting my phone away, my inbox, my computer, all of that. I’m taking CBD drops and drinking lavender tea and taking a bath at the end of the night, reading a book and just giving myself all of the time to wind down. The same way, you know, before the baby goes to bed, that’s how we do it! We have this night time routine that involves everything winding down and becoming soft and quiet and gentle so that she’s ready for bed. Why have I not been doing the same thing for myself? Seriously, it’s … it’s crazy! It’s crazy.

[22:29] And this, you know, of course goes beyond rest and sleep. But all of the things that we give to our children, everything that I’m providing for her, I must provide for myself. Anything other than that is crazy. Seriously. I spend a lot of time, another example, I spend a lot of time making sure that she’s eating the right things, right? That she has a really great balance on her plate, that she’s eating enough protein and greens and all the great vegetables, and she never has any sugar. I spend a lot of time making sure she drinks enough water, all of this stuff. I don’t spend enough time … I have been a little obsessive about my diet because I was sick. But not from this place of wanting just to take general good care of myself, but from this place of, “Holy shit I’m sick, I gotta get better. Why do I have to get better? So I can get back to work,” right? That has been my goal when I was sick, was to feel better so that I can get back to work and keep working at the pace that I’ve been working at. Because, you know, of course the thought of running a teacher training for a month, feeling absolutely awful, is no fun. But it hasn’t come from this loving place. It hasn’t been, you know, I want my daughter to be well-nourished and well-rested because I love her, because I want her to feel good, right? That is literally the only motivation behind that. And for me it hasn’t been that same motivation, that, “Oh, I want myself to be rested, I want myself to be really well-nourished and feel good.” No! It’s been, you know, I gotta sleep because I have to get up early in the morning and do a lot of intense things. Or, I gotta sleep because I’m teaching 600 people yoga class tomorrow. Or, you know, I can’t be sick because I have to hold space for these people in this training. Do you guys see what I’m talking about? It’s coming from this place of something already being broken. Then I start focusing on myself, just so I can get back to work. Like, work is the most important thing.

[24:28] And it’s not true! [laugh] It’s just not true. Some of these things I’m speaking out loud, and it sounds ridiculous, but this is a belief that I have had my whole life that’s really engrained in my system. I mean, it’s deeply, deeply, deeply rooted that I have to work hard all the time. And where does it come from? Well, of course it come from my childhood. It comes from seeing my dad killing himself, I mean, working so hard, all day, every day, to the expense of everything my entire life. My dad was, you know, never there for big moments or school plays or any of the big things in my life, because he was always working, or he was traveling for work. You know, he didn’t raise any of his first five children because he was always working. And everything was sacrificed for the sake of work, all the time. So that’s what I saw from him. And then with my mom, as a single mom, she was always the last one to pick us up at daycare, always the last one to pick us up at the after school programs, always up super early so that she could commute, always had a hard time paying her bills, always struggling with money. Always had to work really really really hard. So for her it was this thing about survival.

[25:48] And then I had it ingrained in me since I was really little that it’s important for me to work, to accomplish, to succeed, to be really good, right? To get all A’s in school, to not make a fuss, to be the best at all the things, because then maybe no one would leave me. That’s the idea that I’ve had because I had so many people leave me when I was little. But if I just did a little better, then maybe they would stay, right? If I’m a little happier, if I do better in school, if I win all the awards, then maybe my family will stick together. Then maybe my mom will want to stay alive. And as an adult I can look at these, I can see these limiting beliefs and how they’re not true. They’re not true today. Maybe they were true then. And it’s so long ago. They’re not true today at all. I live a totally different reality. But, there is still ingrained in me somehow this idea that I have to work hard all the time. Where does it come from? I look at my husband, he doesn’t have that. He doesn’t look at life that way. He looks at life as something that’s meant to be enjoyed, right? Play is really important to him. Having fun, playing soccer, surfing, swimming, doing things that he enjoys, that’s a high priority for him. And it sometimes is the root of discussions or arguments between us, because I don’t look at life that same way. I said, “How can you prioritize that, going to soccer, when we have this massive thing happening over here in the business?” And we’ll argue. And he says, “Well, soccer is important to me. It’s how I blow off steam, it’s fun.” And I just haven’t been able to understand the concept of fun and play being more important than work.

[27:29] And these are things that have kind of been ongoing for me in this very unconscious way. I haven’t … it’s just, I look at life that way, right? I work so fucking hard all the time, and in many ways it’s absolutely served me, because now we have this very abundant life and this beautiful thriving business. We have so many things going our way. And this life has been created from me working hard, right? From me having that ambition, that drive. So, you know, it’s not all bad and terrible and negative. But, what’s happened in the past couple of years is that the scales have just been tipped a little bit, from feeling excited to build the business and create it and start a new project and all of these things being exciting and fun, to … you guys can hear my child shrieking downstairs, I’m sorry. The scales have just been tipped to me literally killing myself! Getting to a place where I’m totally burnt out, to a place where I don’t really know what I’m doing it for anymore, right? Where I have lost something inside of myself, where I have sacrificed myself for the sake of this business, of this work. So now I have a problem, right? And I’m just beginning to realize that probably these things that I’m sitting with right now are not going to be solved just from me taking a little break, right? It’s not going to be solved from me just doing less retreats and less groups, but what’s required is a huge shift inside of myself. That that very limiting belief that I have about life, that life is …. That work is more important than play, I need to get to the root of that so that I can change it, right? Because that’s not how I want to life. And it’s not the kind of example I want to set for my daughter either. Hell no! Hell no.

[29:23] But I have, for many years, I didn’t think … society does that for us too. We glamorize the idea of being busy, right? Being busy all the time. I always get questions like that, like, “Agh, you do everything, you do it all, and how do you do it all? You have so many businesses …” And I’m just sitting here now, like, hey, I don't know if this shit is a good thing! Obviously the idea of whatever it looks like from the outside, but the idea of success, obviously it’s something that everybody strives for. But I’m sitting here right now with all of this shit unfolding inside of me, not feeling, “Is this what success is?” Just because I have a thriving business and we make good money and whatnot, is that success? And then I’m not feeling well … No! No. That’s failing. I’m succeeding at some things and failing at other things. So if I’m succeeding at business at my own expense, or at the expense of my own health, that is not success anymore, at all. And I don’t really know when it happened, but somewhere within the past couple of years, yeah, I kind of crossed over into that area of … I lost the balance of what I’m doing. I’m giving too much, not receiving enough.

[30:36] And I’m guessing that the moment it happened was the moment I became a mom, obviously. Because running a business, or running several businesses before, when it’s just you, when I had dogs to take care of that needed a walk twice a day, yeah, that’s it, no big deal, the amount of time and the energy I had to pour into these businesses and still had energy and time left over in the day to give to myself, that was a different thing. And now, you know, I have a kid, it’s not the same. So suddenly I lost that balance, I don’t have that extra time, I don’t have that extra energy. And I lost myself a bit. And it’s making me really evaluate everything I’m doing right now. Literally, I’m looking at every single part of my life: Hey, what is working from this pure place of knowing that I’m doing something really really really good? So, what is the passion and the joy in doing this work, and what is confused with this idea that I have that I have to be busy all the time, or that I have to work all the time? And what I’m doing now, this inner work is distinguishing between the two and giving myself more tools, more support to get to the root of that. Because I would love to change that belief to play is more important than work. Yeah! Hell yeah. And would that mean that all of the sudden we’re going to go out of business, or all of the sudden we’re not going to be able to pay our bills? Probably not. I don’t think so. I think that there is a little bit of a sharpness to my work ethic, that I’m working so hard and all the time that I definitely could soften without it at all being at the expense of our business. I really don’t think so. Because right now I kind of have this feeling … I feel like I’m failing at everything. Which I also know I’m not. It’s my mind. In my mind I feel like I’m failing at a lot of things. Which probably sounds really weird, because if you look at my life from the outside, it probably looks like I’m succeeding at everything, and everything is so great and easy, and we’re thriving in every way. But right now I feel like I’m failing at everything from the standpoint of my head. But in my heart I know I’m not, I know I’m not. [laugh] That shriek. I know I’m not. I can really feel it in the moments of quiet that I get in between, I can really feel how unpacking all of this stuff right now is growth. I’m growing in really big ways. I’m healing something really really huge right now. I’m probably, what I’m guessing, just knowing from how I’ve seen these moments of crises and things, for me at least in the past, there’s going to be a moment in the future where I look back at all of this stuff unraveling and I know, thank god that happened. Thank god I learned those lessons. Thank god I made those changes, right? So that we could put everything back together in a new way and grow way bigger, faster than we did before. I kind of have that trust and that knowing that that’s where we’re going.

[33:44] I’m wondering now how many shrieks from a two-year-old are acceptable in a podcast. Are you guys … you’re still listening? Um … I think I’m going to take a little break and see what’s going on in the kitchen. I’ll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

[35:15] So what I’m thinking now is what if this is what the process of parenthood is supposed to be? What if right now I’m not failing? What if everything is going exactly according to plan? What if this is the process of parenthood? It’s recognizing all of the things that we were lacking when we were little, and we get to recognize that by giving to our children in a different way than how our parents gave to us? And somehow that awakens our inner child inside of us, and we all of the sudden are faced with the wounds and the pain and the trauma and the things that were lacking when we were that same age … And it’s like it awakens this inner child inside of us, and we get to see for the first time, “Whoa, look at how I’ve lived my life!” Right? Look at how I’ve lived my life. I had that when I was little, when my stepfather died, and these are things that I’m just kind of beginning to unpack and remembering again the things that I haven’t really looked at deeply in a long time. But there were a lot of … long time after that where my mom wasn’t really capable of being a mom. She was in so much pain and grief and suicide attempt and all of that. And I was five and I have these really strong memories, this knowing that if I didn’t make breakfast, then I didn’t eat, right? So if I didn’t wake up in the morning and put the toast in the toaster, then I wouldn’t eat, right? If I didn’t keep track of things, then they didn’t go well. And that … those experiences, when I was that little, that I had to take care of myself, that there was no one there for me, that I was really alone brought me this super strong feeling of having … having to work really hard all the time, right? That I have to do it. That’s, I guess, the feeling that I have. And I have that feeling all the time, like, “I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I can’t really be still.” But I gotta look around all the time and look at, “Hey, what’s missing? What’s lacking? What do I need? Are my needs met? Because they weren’t, at the time, really at all.

[37:35] And then I can see my daughter now, you know, the thought of her making … having to rely on herself super, super young to kind of cover her basic needs is crazy, it’s super, super crazy. But I can see how those things instilled this kind of idea that I have now, that this is what I have to do. I have to do everything, or it doesn’t work, right? That’s kind of this thought that I have. Or this idea that I have all the time. And it literally takes me conscious effort to give things away. It takes conscious effort to trust other people with any kind of work. It takes a conscious effort to try and let go all the time. And it’s really really really hard. Even basic stuff, like … I don't know, like traveling now with Dennis and the baby, maybe he gets out of the plane first and he’s looking at the monitor and he’s like, “Okay, well it’s Gate D16.” There is no way I’m just going to trust him and walk with him to Gate D16. No way. I’m going to go to the monitor myself and double check, is it really gate D16? Because I don’t trust really anyone to do anything right. It sounds really fucking terrible when I say it out loud right now, but that’s how I am. Anything anybody tells me, I’m going to make sure. I’m going to double check that. I’m going to go look myself, I’m going to google it, I’m going to make sure that it’s correct. And then sometimes it’s not, and then it’s like I reaffirm that idea to myself again. “Yeah, you see? Told you. You’re the only one who can get this right.” Which is this very arrogant, first of all, really arrogant thing. Probably not super fun to live with. I don't know how Dennis feels about the fact that anything he tells me about direction or where we’re going or decisions or whatever, I have to double check. I have to do it myself. So a lot of times he just doesn’t even check. When we travel he doesn’t even bother to go to the monitor because he knows I’m going to do it anyway, so why does he need to know? And I’m going to lead the way. And then all of the sudden I get really tired and I don’t want to lead anymore and I don’t want to be in charge anymore, and I don’t want to be in control anymore, and then it’s like everyone in my life is in total shock. Like, how are we going to have our day work if Rachel doesn’t do it? Because that’s the tone I’ve set for my entire life, in all of my relationships.

[39:59] And honestly, I don’t really want to be that kind of person anymore, right? The fact that it takes such conscious effort just to let go and trust, and then at the end of the day it’s like, “What if he tells me it’s Gate D16 and it’s another gate? What’s the panic?” Are we going to miss our flight because we lost five minutes walking to the wrong gate? Probably not. The feeling I have inside, and this is just a very tiny example, but it’s in everything, in every area in my life, all the time. I have this need to do everything on my own. And it comes from, of course, being super young, having to do everything on my own, right? Having to do all of those things. Having to brush my own teeth and make my own food, make coffee for my mom in the morning and hold my brother’s hand when we cross the street. All the stuff that was just that feeling of, “There’s no one there for me,” right? Which maybe at certain points wasn’t even true. But it became true enough for me during that time in my life that I made it life, right? So, that is a really great example of the limiting belief that isn’t true that is keeping me held back, because truth of the matter is I don’t have to do everything on my own. I’m super supported. And what if I can let go a little bit and let my husband take the lead, right? What if I could trust that, hey, he can also get things right, and hey, he can also lead this family to wherever we need to go, and chances are we’re all going to be okay. What if I could really trust that I don’t have to do everything by myself?

[41:33] And what I’m really feeling in my heart these days is that these kinds of changes, when it comes to changing a core belief like that, that comes from me being really little, it’s not just going to happen from me trying to step back, right? Or … sometimes I do that consciously. If I’m out with people and I kind of sense my, “Oh, I’m getting a little controlling,” I just drop everything and I hate it. I hate it, but I let everybody else decide everything. I don’t say anything even though I kind of feel like people are making the wrong decisions, or getting into weird cabs. Let’s go eat at that restaurant, and I’m like, “Oh, I know that’s not going to be good because they don’t have the high chair for the baby …” And I don’t say anything. I’m probably coming off as the most neurotic, insane person right now, but I’m just being totally honest. And I can watch that unfolding inside of myself, like my mind going, “Oh wait, they’re doing this, they’re doing that, no one is in control,” and I just let it happen. And at the end of the day, everything is still fine. We still all ate, everything is fine, everything is good. But it’s almost this practice of just seeing how strong those claws are, like how strong my mind is and the fact that I think deep down I just really don’t believe that I can trust anyone to do anything.

[43:00] And it’s holding me back in a thousand different ways, I’m 100% sure that that belief is the driving force behind me being really tired right now. That belief is why I’m burnt out, it’s why I’m killing myself working, it’s why even when I have employees and assistants and help, it doesn’t really take any burden off my shoulders, because it’s an energetic thing, right? It’s an energetic thing. And regardless of how many things I delegate, I’m still going to fill my plate every day, I’m going to find other things to do, new projects to start, things to pick apart, fix, do. It’s never going to end.

[43:38] So my work in this life, or I guess my work in this transition through this hard time in my life is inner work. It’s just on the inside. I can’t really do much about it on the outside at all. Which frustrates me, because I want to fix everything right away. And I’m kind of really realizing now that this is going to … this has to be this major shift inside of myself. And I’m wondering if other people feel the same. I’m wondering if other people feel the same. I’m wondering if … I don't know, I feel like … I mean, I have friends who are also going through some hard times this year. This seems to be a pretty hard year for a lot of people. But it’s hard to unpack all of this stuff, because somehow it means that we are forced to leave behind the version of ourselves that we feel like we really, truly know. It means we have to leave that steady ground, even if the ground is painful or hard or hurting us, these ideas I have about life, they’re just holding me back and stressing me out and keeping me from living my life all the way, right? Leaving those beliefs behind, it’s still super terrifying. Because it means I’m going to have to venture out into open water for a while without knowing exactly how to navigate, or what step to take next. So it requires an enormous amount of trust and courage.

[45:07] And I’m guessing that this is unfolding at this time in my life because now is a good time. And all of this year it has felt like a terrible time, like I have so much to do, I have so many things and groups and tour and book … Actually, it’s a perfect time. Actually, now is a really perfect time. We are set up in terms of our business, we have YogaGirl.com, which is our online platform. We re-launched a new version of the platform which is … It’s amazing. And it’s so beautiful. And it’s run entirely by our team, meaning that I’m not investing all of my time in my day-to-day to make YogaGirl.com run. It’s running thanks to the amazing people that we have in this company. So that, on its own, is this huge part of our business, where people can practice yoga online and meditate and find tools for healing and community and all of the things that I really need every day. And I don’t have to control it. I don’t have to spend every day agonizing over decisions, or decide every single direction. We’ve spent years of our lives pouring into that platform, and it’s working really well now.

[46:23] So it means that I have this huge part of our business that I can actually soften into. And that’s a blessing, right? Because when it comes to groups and retreats and trainings, no one else can do it. It’s just me. And now here is this blooming part of our business that, yeah, you know, of course my presence is required, and there are things that I’ll always decide. But I don’t have to be the one to run or to steer that ship. And it means that come February next year, I can relax a little bit. Take a step back. My therapist asked me yesterday, she said, “So what would it feel like to actually decide-“ because we have the Envision Festival, we have a retreat at the end of February next year in Costa Rica, and I said, that’s my last commitment that I have. And she said, “Okay, well what would it feel to do that retreat, and then to have no commitments until February 2021. What would that feel like?” And I know I’ve been talking about that for a long time, and I really said, you know, 2020 is my year off, but I haven’t really … I haven’t really sat with the idea, “Well what does that mean?” Right? So, one thing to not have any groups, right? But that’s just actually … it feels like it’s everything, but it’s just a small part of what I do. So am I still going to take all of the meetings and all of the interviews and do the regular day-to-day, 9 to 5 or whatever, kind of job that I do all the time. Which can also be an 18-hour work day if I make it so. Or am I going to really be off? What does that mean? Am I going to take this kind of delayed maternity leave that I never took? And I had to sit with that, and I don't know. And that’s … I’ve had the sense like, “Oh, that’s the dream, I’m moving toward that, I’m going to take 2020 to rest and recuperate and restore,” and then I really sit with that thought and I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I’m capable of not working all the time. And that’s going to require this huge, for me, this massive … probably to … if you’re working a job that you don’t love, you know, wait, taking a year off and being okay to do that financially, isn’t that the greatest blessing, most privileged thing that has ever happened to anyone ever? Yes. But for that little girl inside of me who feels like she has to accomplish all the time, or do all the time, or work all the time, the thought of not working, it’s … then what? Then who am I? Who am I? What would I even do with that time? I don't know. I really don’t know.

[48:59] But what I feel really dedicated to is finding out. I really, really, really want to find out what the version of Rachel, who doesn’t feel like she has to do to be worthy, what that version of me would look like. I kind of get the feeling that she, that version is pretty awesome? [laugh] I kind of have that feeling that, you know, if I could scale or kind of peel away some of those layers of things that aren’t really me, right? If I could peel some of that away, that there is a version of me that knows how to rest, a version of me that knows how to play, that actually prioritizes play over work. I get the feeling that that’s a really epic version of who I am. It’s not like I’m a terrible person right now, right? I’m doing a lot of things really well, and it’s not like I’m sitting here saying that everything about me is terrible, but I am living a huge part of my life under these beliefs that aren’t really true. And it’s holding me back in so many ways. And I’m dedicated to getting to a place where I can learn enough about myself so that I can let go of what doesn’t serve me. And I think that that belief, I have to do everything alone, I have to do everything on my own … I don’t think it serves me. I think it really messes things up in my life.

[50:26] So [laugh] … if you agree with any of the things that I have said here today, I would love to hear that from you. We have launched on YogaGirl.com something that we call our Community Board. It’s a global community board where you don’t need any social media of any kind. And this has been my goal for a long time. I want to create a safe space in the online world that keeps us from having to be on Instagram, or that keeps us from having to go on Facebook. I want to create a safe space where we can share our innermost feelings, our insecurities, our fears, our pain, where we can ask for help, where we can set intentions together, where we can pray, take action. And we made it happen! It’s taken two years to build it. But on YogaGirl.com right now you can find the Community Board right there. So if you would want to join this conversation, I’m going to be there talking about how I’m feeling. Sharing updates throughout the day. And if you need a safe space to talk or ask for help, or maybe to just read other people sharing their authentic, regular day-to-day shit, you know, we’re all feeling so many similar things. And how none of us ever walk alone. You can join us over there. You have to sign up to access the Community Board. It’s free, but you have to sign up so that you’re a real person, so that we know you’re a really person. But I would love to hear from you.

[51:59] Thank you for listening. I don't know where this podcast is heading, really. Maybe it will be a little more mellow as we head into the future. We have some really cool guests coming pretty soon. But I don't know, I have a feeling that this podcast might change, because I feel like I’m changing. And I hope that’s okay. I hope you guys will stay, listen, and share and connect with me every week. Because it’s my favorite thing. And, this is me 100% commitment, even if I take a year off, I’m bringing this podcast with me. Oh hell yes. This is my second therapy session of the week, and I need it! [laugh] So, I love you guys. Go and join us at YogaGirl.com. I love you, and see you next week.

[End of Episode]